I don't know if I'm really coming back yet or not, but something happened and I want to write about it since I can't talk about it. The part that I can't tell anyone, anyway.

Last night at work there was an incident. There's a lot of stupid details, but it boils down to the fact that my life was really and truly threatened. Management and security took it very seriously and I'm allowed to do practically nothing without an escort now. As if I wasn't terrified enough to leave my house after some close calls on the streets in the last month or so.

This comes fast on the heels of going to Christmas with my family and having my cousin's boyfriend take a more than friendly interest in me. Which I have no idea what to do about either, other than further isolate myself from my family. Because if I say anything to any of them, they'll just blame me and say I was inviting the attention. Or that I'm blowing it out of proportion and the touching was friendly and not intended to be taken as sexual.

I've been able to step back from the ED behaviors in the past few months and it's been a relief to not hear the screaming in my head. Not that I've exactly been eating normally, but it's been a sort of unconscious maintenance period and I haven't been on the scale all the time but my clothes still fit the same way I expect them to. But now it's coming back because I need something to hide behind. I'm half welcoming of it and half terrified of having it eat me alive again.

And I'm so mad too because I feel like the ED is the reason all these bad things keep happening to me (even though they happened before too). When I was 200+ pounds, I could walk around without everyone wanting to fuck me or hurt me (somewhat). Because when I wasn't pretty I was less of a target (not really true either, but this keeps running through my head).

Tomorrow I'm cutting off all my hair. Everyone says how pretty it is.