So it's been a while. I've been having a sort of recovery, with a couple of lapses into binge mode. I haven't counted calories or weighed myself in a long time. But I look at myself every day and see things that look too big, feel my clothes getting tight in ways I can't stand. It's been itching at me, the voice quietly nagging in the back of my mind. But I've had to be more careful lately because now I'm being watched by the couple of people who care. I should be grateful, but it feels like they nag and push and I hate that they worry about me.
Then today something happened. There's a girl at work that I've started to be friends with lately, we started bonding over our shared dietary preferences. It wasn't really a surprise when she admitted to me tonight that she's a recovering anorexic, and once that was out in the open I had no problem telling her I also have an ED. At which point we spent the next 20 minutes excitedly discussing really triggering things that we miss about actively engaging in our disorders. So tonight I came how from work very amped up and thinking about how I can't stand the way I look and it is past time for me to jump back off the wagon. There is danger everywhere. I want so badly to fall back into it again, it makes all my other problems feel unimportant.
