My meds haven't been working and I've been feeling really scattered and thinking about death and having huge emotional swings. I made an appointment to go see my psychiatrist again and figure things out. So I went home Monday afternoon with a tentative Bipolar NOS diagnosis. I'm now tapering off the Celexa and going to start mood stabilizers soon. Also I'm supposed to get sober and stop getting high. I'm feeling pretty down about the whole thing. We discussed my cigarette smoking habits and I said its the one thing that's helping keep me somewhat stable. This is the only time ever that a doctor has told me that if it helps, I shouldn't try to quit right now.

I made a new friend at work. We are two of the unhappiest people ever, and somehow this works. I doubt its healthy though. We talk about how we want to not be so miserable, and that it would be awesome to have nice things and be able to take care of them like normal people. I can tell him that I'm feeling aggressive and want to hit someone just to take the edge off without him treating me like I'm crazy. And honestly, just being able to talk about feeling that way can really help make it less of a problem. He was on vacation for a week and it was really difficult not to have him around. I guess he missed me too seeing as he hugged me for the first time ever, and he is not really affectionate with anyone at work. I hope he doesn't quit this job.