My meds haven't been working and I've been feeling really scattered and thinking about death and having huge emotional swings. I made an appointment to go see my psychiatrist again and figure things out. So I went home Monday afternoon with a tentative Bipolar NOS diagnosis. I'm now tapering off the Celexa and going to start mood stabilizers soon. Also I'm supposed to get sober and stop getting high. I'm feeling pretty down about the whole thing. We discussed my cigarette smoking habits and I said its the one thing that's helping keep me somewhat stable. This is the only time ever that a doctor has told me that if it helps, I shouldn't try to quit right now.

I made a new friend at work. We are two of the unhappiest people ever, and somehow this works. I doubt its healthy though. We talk about how we want to not be so miserable, and that it would be awesome to have nice things and be able to take care of them like normal people. I can tell him that I'm feeling aggressive and want to hit someone just to take the edge off without him treating me like I'm crazy. And honestly, just being able to talk about feeling that way can really help make it less of a problem. He was on vacation for a week and it was really difficult not to have him around. I guess he missed me too seeing as he hugged me for the first time ever, and he is not really affectionate with anyone at work. I hope he doesn't quit this job.

I've come out to my parents' house to visit for a couple days for the first time in almost a year. It's weird and stressful. The most shocking thing was discovering my cat has gone full on anorexic. This cat used to weigh almost 20 pounds. I think he's maybe about 7 or 8 now. I'm thoroughly disturbed on a level that my mother doesn't understand. She won't take him to the vet and I don't have money or a car to do it myself. I'm now threatening to have my friend foster him since I could keep an eye on him if he weren't so far away. And I think probably it's my fault he's like this because I haven't been visiting him regularly and this is his way of dealing with separation anxiety. Or maybe he's sick and I know she doesn't take him to the vet as often as he's supposed to go and it's my fault for relying on someone else to care for him.

My mom seems completely oblivious to the fact that his bones are visible and that he doesn't like being petted because it's painful for him. She says he won't eat the food she offers him and that she won't deal with the hassle of giving him special or pricey food. This evening I sat with him and he ate a whole can of expensive cat food and was cheerful about it. At least while I'm here I can insure he eats. I'm terrified, I've loved this cat for almost half my life and I would guess he's got a few months left at this rate. I don't know what to do.

In case you were wondering, I now have an ex best friend. And as far as I know, she and the dubstep boy are fucking. My life is awesome sometimes. She still has my extra keys and I don't know how to ask for them back without causing a problem. I'm gonna find out from my dad if he can change the locks for me since I can't afford to pay someone to do it.

I've had a weird few weeks in general. The bath salts guy is now claiming he didn't dose me and then he tried to get me to come over to his house again. I declined, because I'm not stupid and do not plan to have that happen to me again. Especially now that I don't have someone to call that will come rescue me.

There was also a weird drunken phone call a few hours ago from my (unhappily) married friend who I swear has developed feelings for me. He was one of my main sources of social interaction lately, but now I'm not sure how to deal with him.

Creepy guy at work has also returned to his pursuit of me and keeps trying to invite himself over to my house now. I keep telling him no and he keeps asking like the answer will change.

I wish I could catch a break here. I feel like I sound ridiculous and paranoid when I tell anyone that men have weird fixations and attractions when it comes to me, but they do. I wish I was making it up. Its disturbing how much people are attracted to those who are incredibly damaged, and it ends up causing even more damage.

It's not that I'm suicidal, it's just sometimes the idea of not being alive to deal with all this shit sounds like such a relief. I don't do anything but I sure as hell fantasize about just getting out of all of this.

Thanks for facebooking me to tell me that you're not interested. "Oh I like you as a friend" is like the worst thing. Don't offer that shit. Also for the motherfucking record, I was not initiating the affection, I was responding to what was put out there. So go fuck yourself. I'm glad to know I'm too ugly/fat/stupid/mentally ill/not confident enough for you. I know she put you up to this. I hope you're happy with each other.

I'm sitting at home and I'm completely mortified because I know my ex-best friend is the reason this is happening and he is faking ignorance with me like he does when he doesn't want me to feel embarrassed. The awful thing about being betrayed by your close friend is that you can see their fingerprints all over the situation, and it just makes me want to die because why would she do this to me? I don't understand and I will probably just completely cut our mutual friends out of my life because I can't trust her to not make it awful between me and all the rest of them.

I was considering asking someone out for the first time in at least 8 years. So far every time I've tried, it has gone incredibly badly for me and results in public humiliation. I think maybe I won't try anymore. I think maybe I won't trust my friends anymore either.

When I said I was worried about my supposed best friend wanting me out of her life, it turns out I was right. Because now that I'm interested in Dubstep boy, she has decided she wants him for her own. I didn't realize until recently that she has this problem, but she very much likes to poach other people's partners and potential partners. So now there's an awful love triangle going on. Plus I think she's going ahead and telling him all the things about me that will crush a potential relationship. It's fun to get back stabbed. I haven't heard from him in about 4 days now, I'll give it maybe one more week until I give up. I found out on fb last night that they were out at a restaurant with everyone we know and when I replied to the post she made clear that I was not invited. It's times like this when I hate being alive because what's the point when your friends and family treat you like shit?

Just so I wouldn't have to be alone for part of tonight I had a work friend over for beer and a few hands of Magic. We are like the most awkward adult nerds ever and he always has to leave relatively early to go home to his family. So now I get the pleasure of being sad and alone and slightly sick (I think I'm allergic to alcohol maybe, I only had one beer). All the people I usually text to abate loneliness are busy having fun because it's Friday and they have lives. I wish I'd realized this would be a pathetic hateful binge kind of night when the store was still open. :/

I need some sort of nickname beyond "The Boy" because that is what I always call them and I'm pretty sure it gets confusing. Let's just go with Dubstep because it's generic and anonymous enough but works for him. Anyway, Dubstep and I have been messaging back and forth since he moved out of the house. I should probably back up and mention that my last post from really late on Saturday (technically already Sunday), was incomplete from some details. Because it took about 24 hours for me to realize that he had been strongly hinting that I should stay and hang out with him that night. Instead I went to the store with my friend and her pack of idiots because I was so clueless about his signals. A long drawn out goodbye where he was holding onto my arm and asking if I really had to go and telling me he thinks I'm awesome, yes I'm that dense to completely not realize what's going on. When I finally figured out what an idiot I was, I messaged him and asked how things were at the new place.

Here's where it gets weird: I've mentioned that I get along well with his cat. I jokingly said to him on Saturday that we should have shared custody of the cat. So his reply to my message starts with him describing how great his new place is and asking how I am, then he asks if I was serious about having the cat at my house. Because he claims that I seem like a better caretaker than him. Everyone knows he loves this cat and has had it for years, but suddenly he's asking this boy he's known for a few months to take it off his hands for an indeterminate period. The fuck? I said yes, because dammit I really like that cat, but I'm not really sure what's going on here.

The easiest way to sort all this out would be in person and I asked if he wanted to get together and hang, but he says he's really busy. I don't know what to do now. I guess if nothing else I'll come out ahead with a free cat.