I'm back to the convenience store diet. Which for a long time just entailed me going in once a day and buying some chips and a candy bar and eating nothing else all day. But the bags of chips keep getting bigger and I'll grab pints of ice cream or large packages of cookies now too. And I'll go multiple times a day, making sure to rotate stores because I don't want to be recognized. I looked in the mirror today and noticed my face is puffy/fat. I can't tell if it's real weight or water retention from having way too much sodium in my diet.

I've stopped going to the gym again and it irritates me that I'm wasting money on a membership I'm not using. It's not that I don't want to go, it's that getting out of bed is hard again. I'm still on my meds but everything is overwhelming and the lift I'm getting isn't enough. I don't remember to shower regularly or brush my teeth or take out the trash. I think tomorrow I need to call my doctor and see when I can go in to discuss medication adjustment.

The only thing keeping me slightly afloat is my friends. I invite them to spend the night or ask to crash at their houses so I don't have to spend the late hours by myself (that's when the intrusive thoughts tend to become extreme and unbearable). During the daytime I either go to work or try to make plans to hang out with people. I feel bad for being so needy. I feel like I'm supposed to be stronger and able to do everything without the help of other people. I'm not used to having people who care about me and want to make sure I'm ok. When I was a kid everyone acted like it was such a burden to have me around. I have a hard time understanding how normal human beings act towards each other.