Did I mention I developed a crush on the guy who made coffee and listened to me vent the morning after my bath salts incident? Because that happened. He's been out of town for a while and I helped take care of his cat while he was gone. That cat loves me to death and he says he finds it shocking because his cat usually doesn't like other people. I hung out with him for a while tonight, I think he might be a little smitten with me all of a sudden. He kept hugging on me and rubbing my shoulders. I hope he really is as decent as he seems, I want to be done with guys who treat me like shit.

Helped my best friend move into her new apartment today. She's all kinds of fucked up right now and it was difficult to deal with her. I've helped her move before and she's never acted like this, I'm worried that she's having some other problems she's not telling me about. She keeps saying she's starting fresh with this move and clearing out old people in her life that are dragging her down. I hope to god she doesn't mean me.

I'm back to the convenience store diet. Which for a long time just entailed me going in once a day and buying some chips and a candy bar and eating nothing else all day. But the bags of chips keep getting bigger and I'll grab pints of ice cream or large packages of cookies now too. And I'll go multiple times a day, making sure to rotate stores because I don't want to be recognized. I looked in the mirror today and noticed my face is puffy/fat. I can't tell if it's real weight or water retention from having way too much sodium in my diet.

I've stopped going to the gym again and it irritates me that I'm wasting money on a membership I'm not using. It's not that I don't want to go, it's that getting out of bed is hard again. I'm still on my meds but everything is overwhelming and the lift I'm getting isn't enough. I don't remember to shower regularly or brush my teeth or take out the trash. I think tomorrow I need to call my doctor and see when I can go in to discuss medication adjustment.

The only thing keeping me slightly afloat is my friends. I invite them to spend the night or ask to crash at their houses so I don't have to spend the late hours by myself (that's when the intrusive thoughts tend to become extreme and unbearable). During the daytime I either go to work or try to make plans to hang out with people. I feel bad for being so needy. I feel like I'm supposed to be stronger and able to do everything without the help of other people. I'm not used to having people who care about me and want to make sure I'm ok. When I was a kid everyone acted like it was such a burden to have me around. I have a hard time understanding how normal human beings act towards each other.

So the bath salts didn't kill me and the guy who drugged me refuses to apologize for drugging me. My friend who left me alone at home was sorry he fucked up by not making sure I was taken care of before he left, but at least he didn't leave me with the asshole who drugged us. I'm incredibly angry about what happened and the fact that the guy seems to think it was totally ok to give people hard drugs without warning.

I feel really lucky that my best friend is as amazing as she is and came to rescue me when I really needed it. I don't know what I'd do without her. At least there's one person around who really gives a damn and takes care of me when I need it. It's strange to have someone to rely on after a lifetime of not having it.

New Boy is gone back home with his wife and kid. Monday was his last day at work. We had a really tense and wrenching (for me at least) goodbye at the end of the night. He hugged me too long and too tight for it to be normal and he told me that I'm gonna be ok and wished me luck. I was really choked up and said I wished he wasn't leaving but I made sure not to cry in front of him. It's taken a couple days for it to sink in that I will never see him or speak to him again. I didn't give him any way to contact me, I knew it was best that way. My heart hurts.

In the midst of all the trauma of the last few days, my best friend's roommate turned out to be a really good guy. I see him all the time at the house, but we are just really acquaintances. The morning after I got drugged, he hung around while my friend ran errands and made coffee and chatted with me and let me just kind of vent about how upset and scared I was. He didn't leave to do his own errands until he decided I was safe enough to be left alone for a little while. I've never had a male take care of me in my entire life. I wish there were more guys like him in this world.

Addendum

I texted my friend and she came and took me to her house. I'm ok and I think I'm going to sleep now.

Now all my friends know. About me about what I do. They've all heard me puke at some point when we hang out. I may never be able to show my face at work again. Or at anywhere. I hope the house burns down tonight with me in it.

I smoked weed laced with bath salts tonight. I honestly think I might die right now. I wouldn't have smoked it if I'd known it was laced. So I puked while hanging out with my friend and then told him all about that I have an eating disorder. Because I am so fucked out of my mind right now that I can't stop myself from saying everything.

I'm so sick right now I might possibly throw up everything I've ever eaten. I'm scared something bad will happen and there's nobody here to call emergency for me. And no insurance to pay for it either. I hate this shit, everything seems huge and terrifying. How long before it ends and I'm sober and ok?

Its been more than two weeks since I've been to the gym. I don't know when the last time was that I ate a green vegetable. All I have been eating for several weeks now is hamburger helper made with fake ground beef. I have attempted to branch out in the flavors I buy and the add ins I use, but it just doesn't work. I wonder at what point I will be completely unable to stomach this stuff anymore. The amazing thing is that I seem to be holding at a stable weight for now, probably because I'm not really getting any sort of nutrition.

I dreamed about Comic Shop Girl the other night. I haven't thought about her in a long time. In the dream I went to the shop and asked her to teach me to play Magic. In real life I was barely ever able to stammer out the titles of back issues I needed help finding. She's the only girl I've ever felt attracted to, which meant I had no fucking clue how to deal. At least she's used to dealing with socially inept males so my behavior just seemed sadly normal in context.