I need a vacation. Somewhere in/near the woods. I'm sick of city life. Of course I don't have money to do this, but I'm doing imaginary vacation planning online anyway. The problem I keep mentally running into is that I've always felt more lonely than ever when I'm sleeping in a big hotel bed all by myself.

Yesterday, at home in my own bed, I woke up in a panic from some nightmare I was having. I was shouting and crying, which I think is what pulled me out of it. It shook me up so badly that instead of going back to sleep, I got out of bed and started my morning routine. I didn't bother telling anyone about this during my day. Its not the sort of thing to bring up in casual conversation. But I felt off kilter and snapped at people more than usual. I wonder how different my days would be if there was someone else around when I woke up crying in the night.

My friend and I went grocery shopping the other night. It's like we were attuned to the same purpose of planning out massive binges. Instead of encouraging each other to select healthy things like we usually do, we bought entire pies and a large number of baking mixes and chips and sodas. I blew my entire grocery budget for the month of July and I don't have anything but binge foods. I have yet to go back to the gym because I'm still having serious coughing fits. I don't know what to do.

I'm so excited to be feeling another migraine coming on. I had a bad one that lasted for three days last weekend. And I have a cold. I haven't been to the gym in 9 days. I gained back the weight I lost from working out. Everything sucks.

Creepy guy at work has started ramping up the creep factor again. Also it turns out he lies about all kinds of things. Which is another warning sign. Turns out his twin brother is not his twin at all and he doesn't use his real name at work. I found out what his actual name is so I could try google and see if he's got some kind of record. I'm afraid to check.

I just wanna go home and be in pain alone, I hate my job.

Wine hangovers make me feel like death warmed over all day. It probably doesn't help that I drunkenly purged my dinner last night. While my friends were over. And they could totally hear me do it. At the time, I was beyond giving a fuck. This morning I sent out some apology texts and was informed that I was a complete mess when everyone left but that they still love me. And they want me to find a new therapist.

Didn't make it to the gym today, I felt like if I tried I would just end up blacking out or throwing up from the exertion. Tomorrow I'm off and I will make up for today by doing extra time and going to a long yoga session.

There's an open supervisor position at work but I'm not applying for it because I don't want to deal with the rejection. As soon as I heard about the ass kissing bitch that had applied I knew there was no point. He's gonna get it and be terrible and I hate him.

I keep telling people that I'm completely over the Boy so they'll stop telling me he's a jerk and not worth my time. But secretly I still like him and wish it could work out. Despite the whole part where I would be terrified to sleep with him and let him see me.

I feel like I'm slogging through molasses today. Everything is too hard and complicated.

Trying to get back to my fasting Wednesdays. Although with the working out I'm now bumping it from water only to allowing small amounts of fruit and vegetable juices. I took caffeine pills before I hit the gym this morning so I could power through it. Fuck this body fat, I'm gonna get down to 112.

The real reason I don't date isn't because I can't find guys I like, its because I don't want anyone to see me without my clothes on.

They were offering a free body fat test at work today. Of course I took advantage. I've never had one before so I dunno how I stack up compared to when I was dancing or weighed 200 pounds or anything. Anyway, I was horribly disturbed because I discovered I'm at 32.8% body fat. Based on my weight this morning, it means I'm 106 pounds of me and 52 pounds of disgusting fat. Fucking gross.

I joined a gym last week and I have been slowly increasing the resistance and time each day. It's a circuit gym, so generally I hit the elliptical, do the circuit, then finish with a run on the treadmill. Today I felt like I was running purely on self hatred by the end. I felt stronger because of it. It's easy to run when you desperately want to escape yourself. I knew I was fat before, now I have proof of just how bad it is and that everyone who says I'm skinny just doesn't know what they're talking about.

I bought two weeks worth of groceries and ate the majority of them in the last two days. So I guess I have to restrict because I checked my bank balance and I don't have money till next payday since my rent check cleared. As a side benefit, I feel bloated and gross from eating everything in sight. In a moment of extreme anger and hate at the feeling, I took some laxies before bed last night. Because I didn't think about the fact that I was working this morning. Stomach cramps kept me up all night. Work today is not going well for me for obvious reasons. Stupid.