Yesterday was terrible. I woke up from a vivid nightmare about people I care about being hurt and killed, and it just fucked up my day from the beginning. I was planning to do laundry and clean the house before work, but I got on the scale and saw that I'd magically gained 2 pounds overnight because of binging and so the only logical thing I could think of was to get back in bed and eat almond butter from the jar. Because nothing solves a binge like more binging. I managed 4 days of fasting and restriction in the last week, and I'm starting over tomorrow with my weekly Wednesday fast and maybe if I work hard there will be 5 days without a binge.

Anyway, a huge component of the nightmare involved my friend being badly injured and me trying to get medical attention for him but nobody would help drive us to the hospital. So when I worked with him last night I was rather more clingy with him than usual and I ended up getting him to spend the night with me. Because when I get all fucked up in the head over my nightmares I get really protective and worried that something bad will happen if I'm not around. It's completely stupid, but I woke up this morning and was able to verify that he was alive and whole and now I'm not fixated on the images of him being hurt and scared.

We got drunk last night and as per usual I suffered from uninhibited word vomit syndrome. But I don't feel bad because he did the same thing. I do regret that I fucked up the anonymity of this blog in a moment of carelessness. I don't know if he will go looking for it or if he remembers, but I might be deleting and starting over somewhere else. That would be the smart thing to do. It's one thing to verbally share secrets, it's entirely something else when you've shared the location of a publicly available written record of your fucked up mental state. This is why I never use names or state locations in specific terms. But still I'm an idiot.

Things that would've been useful to know three months ago: the Boy really is bisexual. I don't blame him for not being out about it, everyone thinks he's a whore anyway and it would just add fuel to the fire. But still, I wish I'd at least known when I actually was considering him, instead of being in turmoil for months that any attention I showed would be unwanted. I feel shitty because it feels like during the months of inaction, we mutually friendzoned each other and now I'll never know if it could've been something.

While my friend and I were drunk last night we went to the convenience store for more cigarettes and trashy junk food we didn't end up eating. I ate everything after he left earlier, and very seriously considered purging just to make the bloated full feeling go away. Instead I'm taking laxies because right now I don't give a fuck about the calories I just want to be empty.

I wonder if anyone will read this.