After going to bed last night and feeling like I wanted to be dead, today saw me in an almost cheerful mood. What the fuck? These pills are supposed to even things out and all they seem to have smoothed over is my seething rage, but the crushing despair is still absolutely there to rear its ugly head at inopportune moments. And I need something better for my anxiety attacks, the pills the doctor gave me just make me feel faint and sleepy.
I'm not exactly sure when all my conversations with New Boy started taking place in whispers while we are standing dangerously close together. His voice sounds low and rough when he's quiet, and I always feel intensely aware of the warmth of his body next to me. Work seems more interesting because everything feels like it's a secret, even asking for a roll of quarters for my till. I try not to think too hard about the reality of the situation because it hurts to know he's not really mine.
I need to set aside the money I used to spend on therapy and use it to get a gym membership instead. And then I need to get off my ass and go for a couple hours every day. Or go look on craigslist for a cheap treadmill and never have to leave the house or deal with nosy gym members. Which I'd much prefer. Now that I got rid of the couch I sort of have enough space for one.
My parents will be here in the morning and I feel really unprepared to deal with them. I just wanna hide in bed forever.
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