Fuck not having a gag reflex. I don't purge. Not since I was in high school at least. But something about today and this week and all this shit I've been dealing with, today I tried my damnedest to purge after an especially painful binge. Handsfree had never failed me before but all I could do was cough. Shoving my fingers down my throat was weird and uncomfortable but not at all nauseating. I sat on the bathroom floor feeling like a failure because I couldn't throw up.

Yesterday night was emotionally exhausting. I was at a party and ended up spending an hour with my drunken best friend clinging to me and sobbing about how much she loves me and how she wants me to be ok. Having to go to work today was awful because I just wanted to be alone. I put on an extra cheerful face because I didn't want anyone to ask me what was wrong.

I want to purge out the feelings more than anything.