I did molly for the first time last night. Fuck. I really wish I could feel that close and connected to people more often. It was super intense and I'm glad I waited till we left the bar to take it, I don't think I could've handled it in public. It was nice to be with people I am comfortable around and cuddle with my friend and talk with her about all the things neither of us can ever talk about normally.
It's incredibly rare for me to be hugged and kissed and have someone tell me they love me without them wanting something from me. My family is not emotionally or physically affectionate. My close friends growing up were usually damaged people and none of us really initiated casual affection with each other. All the boys that ever bothered with it just wanted to fuck me and it's often been rough handling and scary and not fun for me. I pretty much lack basic intimacy with people and it sucks. I'm going to try to hold onto last night's comforting closeness and make it last for a while.
I guess basically, last night felt the way I've always imagined having a perfect relationship would be. Closeness and safety and unthinking honesty. The kind of thing I'm so unlikely to find in an unaltered state on an everyday basis. I just get wrapped up in jerks who show me a little bit of affection because I'm starved for it. And even though everyone says I deserve better, it's hard to give up what little I have in hopes that I will actually find the better option.
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