I think I'm only interested in the thrilling part of chasing boys and not the actual part where we have any real relationship. Having a relationship with the Boy would be problematic anyway since now I'm rather disgusted by certain people he's fucked. Plus the whole thing where he claims publicly to be 100% straight. I kinda want to tell him "Ok, well its been fun messing with your head but I was only interested in you because you seemed impossible to have." Of course that comes off really badly, but it's true and completely fucked up. Plus in light of the appearance of New Boy, I'm barely interested in saying more than hello to the old one now.
New Boy is a fun challenge because he's technically my boss and therefore I'm really really not supposed to have him or we can both get fired. Which just makes me want him more. I enjoy destroying myself on every level. Let's see how long it takes for the pursuit of this crush to wreck my life somehow.
I was edgy and having a hard time concentrating today and couldn't figure out why. Then I got home and realized all I'd had today was coffee. I decided it was ok to let myself eat cereal without measuring (rice chex and almond milk, I'd have to practically eat the whole box to break 1000 calories) since for now I'm just trying to ease back in to restriction. I got tired of chewing pretty quickly so I'm not even worried about it. I feel so much more alert when I'm not in sugar shock from eating a pan of brownies in one go or some other ridiculous binge food. Small steps.
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