I don't know how to describe New Boy's behavior in any way other than "really flirty". When I was leaving today he sort of stopped me to say goodbye and chat for a second about my plans for after work, then in the middle of whatever we were saying he just casually mentioned his wife. I managed not to falter or make it obvious that he had really thrown me off with this confirmation. I just wonder what he's playing at here, because he started this and I haven't escalated anything since I'd heard the rumor. For now at least I'm really enjoying the attention, it seems relatively harmless, and it hasn't crossed any lines, so I'm just going to see what happens. If I was not completely self destructive, I would put an end to it now since it will quite likely blow up in my face and ruin what's left of my life here. I know from past experience that if we were found out, I would be blamed for "chasing" him, as though I had an evil plan to mess up his life. I can't even learn from my own mistakes.

I'm in the part of depression where I start altering my appearance to try and jump-start my feelings. The haircut turned out fine despite the horrible salon experience. The half-assed dye job I did ended up being a happy little accident and I've been asked multiple times how to replicate the effect (I have no good answer other than fuck it up and hope for the best). Last night I hit the tattoo shop for a new piercing. Now my nose is done and I'm rather pleased with it. I've held off on getting it done since I've been dreaming about getting a nose job since I was a teenager, but I don't know when I'll ever have the money for that and I figure I'll deal with any scar tissue issues at that magical future time when I have money for cosmetic surgery. If only I could afford some new clothes I would be all set for my newest transformation.

I only have one therapy session left. I'm supposed to find a new therapist. I can't afford to go anywhere besides this clinic. Plus I don't want to start over with someone new who doesn't know my history because it takes me so long to get to trust new people. I don't know what to do other than lie and pretend I've found somewhere to go so my current therapist will stop asking me.