I finally noticed how depressed I am. I took garbage out of the kitchen for the first time in weeks. There's still more, and I don't know how long the pile of dishes has been sitting in the sink now. Everything I've eaten in the last two weeks has been something I could consume directly from the package and all of it came off convenience store shelves. I'm managing to lose weight because my body doesn't know how to cope with this junk and I end up being sick soon after eating.

Creepy guy is stressing me out by always showing up during my shifts, even when it's supposed to be his day off. His newest tactic is acting pitiful and begging me for hugs. Today I relented and allowed him to hug me while I stood there stiffly, he squeezed me until it hurt and I yelped. My arm is bruised from where he grabbed too hard. I feel like it's probably my own fault for being stupid and allowing him to touch me. There were people around but nobody seemed to notice. Most people think his infatuation with me is "cute" anyway.

I want to stay in bed and call out sick tomorrow. I can't stand it.

Someday you will be loved

I did molly for the first time last night. Fuck. I really wish I could feel that close and connected to people more often. It was super intense and I'm glad I waited till we left the bar to take it, I don't think I could've handled it in public. It was nice to be with people I am comfortable around and cuddle with my friend and talk with her about all the things neither of us can ever talk about normally.

It's incredibly rare for me to be hugged and kissed and have someone tell me they love me without them wanting something from me. My family is not emotionally or physically affectionate. My close friends growing up were usually damaged people and none of us really initiated casual affection with each other. All the boys that ever bothered with it just wanted to fuck me and it's often been rough handling and scary and not fun for me. I pretty much lack basic intimacy with people and it sucks. I'm going to try to hold onto last night's comforting closeness and make it last for a while.

I guess basically, last night felt the way I've always imagined having a perfect relationship would be. Closeness and safety and unthinking honesty. The kind of thing I'm so unlikely to find in an unaltered state on an everyday basis. I just get wrapped up in jerks who show me a little bit of affection because I'm starved for it. And even though everyone says I deserve better, it's hard to give up what little I have in hopes that I will actually find the better option.

I've been sleeping too much again. I come home from work and "nap" for 4-6 hours, get up to smoke and maybe eat, then go right back to bed again for another 10-12 hours. I also won't leave the house unless I absolutely have to. Since I work, its not quite as bad as the summer a few years ago when I never even went outside more than once a week, but it's frightening to see the pattern returning.

I've been feeling lonelier than normal. I realized that if something were to happen to me, it would probably be a week before anyone bothered to check that I was alive. It's awful to think that at 27, I'm exactly the kind of person who should be subscribed to the Life Alert service that old people use.

I'm supposed to make an appearance at a birthday party tomorrow night. I really wish I'd make up an excuse, I hate standing around awkwardly at these kinds of things. I'll probably leave early so I can go home and hide in my bed.

I don't know how to describe New Boy's behavior in any way other than "really flirty". When I was leaving today he sort of stopped me to say goodbye and chat for a second about my plans for after work, then in the middle of whatever we were saying he just casually mentioned his wife. I managed not to falter or make it obvious that he had really thrown me off with this confirmation. I just wonder what he's playing at here, because he started this and I haven't escalated anything since I'd heard the rumor. For now at least I'm really enjoying the attention, it seems relatively harmless, and it hasn't crossed any lines, so I'm just going to see what happens. If I was not completely self destructive, I would put an end to it now since it will quite likely blow up in my face and ruin what's left of my life here. I know from past experience that if we were found out, I would be blamed for "chasing" him, as though I had an evil plan to mess up his life. I can't even learn from my own mistakes.

I'm in the part of depression where I start altering my appearance to try and jump-start my feelings. The haircut turned out fine despite the horrible salon experience. The half-assed dye job I did ended up being a happy little accident and I've been asked multiple times how to replicate the effect (I have no good answer other than fuck it up and hope for the best). Last night I hit the tattoo shop for a new piercing. Now my nose is done and I'm rather pleased with it. I've held off on getting it done since I've been dreaming about getting a nose job since I was a teenager, but I don't know when I'll ever have the money for that and I figure I'll deal with any scar tissue issues at that magical future time when I have money for cosmetic surgery. If only I could afford some new clothes I would be all set for my newest transformation.

I only have one therapy session left. I'm supposed to find a new therapist. I can't afford to go anywhere besides this clinic. Plus I don't want to start over with someone new who doesn't know my history because it takes me so long to get to trust new people. I don't know what to do other than lie and pretend I've found somewhere to go so my current therapist will stop asking me.

Apparently I can't even get a haircut now without being harassed by idiot men who think they want to fuck me. I regularly go to a non-English speaking salon just to avoid the awkwardness of conversing with a stylist. I print out some photos to show them how I'd like my hair cut and I've never had a problem. Except today I had the tortuous fun of interpreting broken English and hand gestures for an hour as the stylist's unemployed friend asked me increasingly personal questions and tried to talk me into a date. Finally I was like "yeah, looks great, I gotta go" (I hate it actually but I couldn't stand being there any longer), at which point I was begged by the friend to allow some pictures because supposedly the stylist wanted them for his portfolio. I don't know why I told him ok but I did, so now some guy has pics of me on his phone making a really awkward fake smile. But he doesn't know my name or my phone number and I sure as hell am never going back to that place again.

I also had therapy today where I said that I am angry at myself for being depressed again since I am on meds and feel there is no good reason for me to be upset and crying all the time. She said that being mugged at gunpoint was obviously very traumatic for me and that I need to stop being so hard on myself. The problem is, I don't know how to be anything other than hard on myself.

I've been binging even though food is undesirable and tasteless these days. Usually when its like this I'm able to just stop eating, I don't know why I keep at it, it doesn't feel rewarding in any manner. The weight gain is becoming rather visible, so I wear big bulky sweaters so nobody at work will know. I see myself in the mirror and find it more disgusting than before. I don't know why all these guys keep chasing me, I wouldn't chase me.

I hate working on holidays. Everything was a giant clusterfuck. I was so stressed out by the end of my shift from customers and supervisors. On top of that creepy stalker guy pushed to get me to hang out with him after work despite me saying that I wasn't interested. I ended up running into the market on the way home to buy binge foods and then ate myself sick. Now I feel like death and I have to work early tomorrow. Ugh.

Since facebook wasn't being helpful in my information gathering efforts, I tapped into the handy gossip mill of my coworkers for info on New Boy. Rumor has it he's married (with kids). But considering how reliable their info usually is, I won't believe it till I get a better source. But if he is, dammit why does that keep happening to me? I'm not in the business of home wrecking, even though it's a common trait among my relatives. And even if he's got some real good hookups for concert tickets like the last guy, I know better than to put myself in that situation again. Because you can't trust a cheater to not cheat on you.

Skinny pretty boys will be the death of me

I think I'm only interested in the thrilling part of chasing boys and not the actual part where we have any real relationship. Having a relationship with the Boy would be problematic anyway since now I'm rather disgusted by certain people he's fucked. Plus the whole thing where he claims publicly to be 100% straight. I kinda want to tell him "Ok, well its been fun messing with your head but I was only interested in you because you seemed impossible to have." Of course that comes off really badly, but it's true and completely fucked up. Plus in light of the appearance of New Boy, I'm barely interested in saying more than hello to the old one now.

New Boy is a fun challenge because he's technically my boss and therefore I'm really really not supposed to have him or we can both get fired. Which just makes me want him more. I enjoy destroying myself on every level. Let's see how long it takes for the pursuit of this crush to wreck my life somehow.

I was edgy and having a hard time concentrating today and couldn't figure out why. Then I got home and realized all I'd had today was coffee. I decided it was ok to let myself eat cereal without measuring (rice chex and almond milk, I'd have to practically eat the whole box to break 1000 calories) since for now I'm just trying to ease back in to restriction. I got tired of chewing pretty quickly so I'm not even worried about it. I feel so much more alert when I'm not in sugar shock from eating a pan of brownies in one go or some other ridiculous binge food. Small steps.

After two months of daily binging, something has shifted. I noticed last night when I lost interest mid-binge. Today I went on autopilot while I was cooking and made a huge amount of food, then I stared at it and kinda nibbled at it during the day. I don't know why it changed, but I hope it stays like this for a while. It's always three steps forward and two steps back with me, and I need to just learn to work with it because every time I get a little bit smaller and a little bit stronger.

The best part of restricting is how focused I am on my goals, to the exclusion of all my normal worries. When I walk around feeling empty, I also feel strong. And I'm going to need so much strength to break the attraction I have to the Boy and at the same time work to keep myself safe from the Creep.

Be strong, love yourselves. Xoxo