It's not cute (and is in fact creepy and upsetting) when someone tries to shoehorn themself into your life as some kind of instant boyfriend. This isn't the first time, although dear god I would love for it to be the last. Creepy guy is now always texting me and trying to take me out for twilight strolls near the lake or at the cemetery (I'm especially bothered by that because I'm big on romantic dates at cemeteries and don't want that to get ruined). Also he tries to pick me up after work every night and take me home. And days when I don't feel like fighting about it, there's always an awkward moment when he drops me off and I think "this is the time he's finally gonna try to kiss me." So far not yet, but I almost wish he would hurry up so I could hate him openly and have that as an excuse. I plan to slap him across the face like heroines do in old movies.

I've been in a semi binge mode for a long time now and it's ramped up tremendously in the last week due to stress. So now my clothes aren't fitting right and I've lost the feeling of my hip bones and it is making me more stressed and exacerbating the problem. I'm off work for two days, maybe I can regroup and swing towards the middle or back to major restriction.

In an incredibly stupid move, I'm trying to break myself of the crush on the Boy by focusing on the hot new supervisor that got hired at work. And yeah, it looks even worse written down than it does in my head. I need to get out of this place, its ruining my life.

I hate boys, they're a pain

Went to my friend's house after work. Got drunk, then did yoga for an hour, then drank more and got high. Picked up a bunch of gossip that put some things into perspective. I already knew I was putting myself headlong into trouble by continuing to crush on the stupid Boy, but there's no turnoff like finding out he fucked the bitchiest supervisor at work. I mean really, ew. I need to just picture that in my head whenever I interact with him now so that I can get past this.

Also creepy guy is really visibly enamored of me to the point where other people are noticing. I've let him drive me home after work a couple of nights because I guess I choose that over being mugged again. Its shitty, but fuck if I know what else to do. And he got ahold of my phone number and has been texting me and asking to hang out, so I keep making plans every night with other people. And no matter how straight he keeps claiming to be (as though that's supposed to reassure me that he's not actually obsessed with me), straight boys just don't call other boys cute or adorable. I mean come on, really?

FML

PSA

Exactly 24 hours ago I got mugged while on my way to an all night convenience store. It was awful and terrifying and the guy kept saying he was gonna kill my friend and me. Apparently traveling in pairs is not enough to deter them anymore. Being a fast runner isn't really helpful either. We were very lucky in that all we lost was some cash, he didn't take our wallets or phones or injure us. Or worse. The vivid terrifying memory of running up the hill while hearing a large scary man pursuing and yelling at me not to run and that he thinks I'm pretty is gonna keep me sleepless for god knows how long.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to ask you ladies (and gents too) to be safe out in the world, there's a lot of fucked up people out there.

After being friends for five months, the Boy and I have actually made tentative plans to go out and get drunk together. I even invited him to crash at my place instead of trying to make it home after, he said that was really sweet and awesome. I was really really not smooth at offering, but he either didn't notice or didn't care.

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of something here, I wonder if I should turn back before I do something I might regret. Because it sounds very much like this is a little outing just for the two of us, and I know how I am when I'm intoxicated and I've heard stories about him. I get attached too easily already, I don't want to get my heart broken if we end up fucking and he doesn't feel the same as I do (I wish I could do the casual sex thing like everyone else, but it never works for me). But really, it's not solving anything for me to worry over it. I need to be a grown up and talk to him.

I'm trying very hard not to think about all the things I might confess to him if we're drunk. If I do, then this will never happen.

Attachment is dangerous

I've planned to move across the country next year, everyone knows and my friends there are excited for me to arrive. But I find myself settling in here finally after five years. I unpacked the last of my boxes a while ago and lately I've been rearranging and decorating. I'm even planning to get a cat. This settled down mind set scares me.

And that stupid Boy and his tight hugs where he holds me close and rubs my back. (He's sweeter when he's hung over and sick, he's not in such a hurry and unfocused.) When I told him months ago that I was making plans to move away he said "Don't leave me. I'll miss you." I haven't brought it up again, but I want to say "I think I love you, come have an adventure with me and we'll find out."

I've always just been able to load up the car and go. I'm scared of getting tied down to people and things.

I think today is the first time I've ever seriously considered offing myself. I've talked before about how I'd be better off dead, but tonight it got to the point where I was thinking about which of my options would most likely be successful. I'm not doing anything with it, but I was (am) thinking about it.

This has been the week from hell. I'm not sure exactly how it got like this, when last Friday I was happy and hopeful and smiling and laughing for the first time in a while. Yeah, work sucks and I have shitty friends and my parents are worthless, but its like it hit me all of a sudden that its always been like this and will probably always be like this. No matter how hard I try, I can't pull myself up and out of this pattern. Its not going to get better. I'm trapped. I don't know what to do, so for now I'm going to go back to bed and sleep for the third time today.

I found out about a free support group for people with EDs that's in my city. I'm thinking about trying it out. I've been unsuccessful in support group settings for other issues, but maybe this will be different.

Xoxo

I'm binging hardcore again. I ate a loaf of bread and a dozen homemade cookies when I got home from work. I didn't want to, but it happened anyway. Story of my life.

My "homework" from therapy this week is to get the Boy's phone number. Seeing as lately he calls out, shows up late, or doesn't show up at all for work, I'll be lucky to get it before they fire him. Our old manager let things slide, but the new manager is a stickler. It's 99% likely that if we don't work together I'll never see him again, whether I have his number or not. I'm terrible at keeping track of my friends.

I might finally get my cat this week. Then I'll have someone to snuggle with all the time. I'm sure this cat is gonna be a bratty, spoiled thing in short order.

I've not really had anything new to say lately. Mostly because I only come here to talk about my perceived fatness and how nobody will ever love me, etc. Olivia Lee's post a few weeks ago about negativity has been mulling about in my head for a while now, and consequently I've been trying to move past my tendency to spend a huge amount of my time bad mouthing myself online and in therapy. Its not easy, hating myself and everything around me has been my default for so long that it seems hard to find even one good thing in a day sometimes. But I am making an effort.

I'm finally training to cashier at work. I've been looking forward to the promotion for months now, but I've found out too late that it's actually lonely work being chained down to the little space behind the register. I miss the hugs the most, I think.

To cheer myself up today, I wore my skinniest jeans to work and admired how lean my legs looked in them whenever I saw my reflection. I felt it was a shame that the Boy didn't get to appreciate them on me, as I said goodbye while he said hello. I hope eventually I will get to see him for more than a minute, once or twice a week. This isn't working for me and he always looks so disappointed that my greetings are always goodbyes these days.

I hope I sleep the whole way through tonight and that you all do too. Xoxo