Its funny how "I will back off" apparently means "I'm going to stalk you and make you like me." I dunno about others, but when this tactic is used on me I just hate the person and hope they die. I hung around after my shift at work because I was waiting for my friend to get off, but creepy guy would just not leave me alone and kept trying to make plans with me and get me in his car. Aw hell no. I ended up leaving without saying goodbye to anyone because I was so upset and scared. I gave him more than enough of a chance to back off, its time to report his stupid ass to management.

My mom now officially knows about my ED. She was more shocked and horrified about it than I'd imagined, considering she goes shopping with me and knows how much of a label reader I am and seeing how she, in her own words, "can cut calories like nobody's business". Her attempts at talking to me about it are all based on segments she saw on Dr Oz and how she thinks I need to stop being vegan and everything will magically be fixed. After how I've fucked my digestive system up for years, me eating animal products sounds like a fine way for me to accidentally become mia.

I'm sleepy and on the verge of going to bed. I'm alone tonight so I don't know how I'll do. I slept really well last night with my friend, it was only for 4-5 hours but at least it was restful. I'm hoping that despite everything being so stressful today, I won't have nightmares about it.

I'm going to sleep at a friend's house tonight because I'm just a wreck and unable to sleep alone right now. I've gotten about 12 hours sleep total since Monday, every little thing is making me anxious now. She volunteered to let me stay over a few times a week until I can get things together. I hope I don't start screaming or hitting her in the middle of a terror.

I told the Boy I'm a mess, normally I wouldn't say anything but my filters are dead right now. Such a sweetheart about it, he hugged me close and said he hopes I can sleep tonight. I'm now reassured he doesn't hate me or think I'm creepy. Maybe someday he'll offer to watch out for me while I sleep.

That half a pound is still holding on but as long as I don't gain I am relatively ok with it for now.

This morning I woke up completely freaked out from a nightmare about being stuck at work, stalked by the creepy coworker, and having my best friend fuck the Boy just to spite me. It was a fucking awful way to start my day. The friend in question had sent a text that was what woke me up, and so I proceeded to panic all over her for a minute about this awful thing while she reassured me that she loves me and that it was unlikely the creepy guy would stalk and murder me.

I was able to go about my day normally until the creep showed up at work just to ask me to go out to a show with him later. I told him no and then spent the rest of the night and the walk home in terror that part of my nightmare was about to become reality. That whole thing where he promised to back the fuck off is apparently not happening anymore. Shit.

Now I'm second guessing myself about the times I've dropped by the store on my day off to say hi to the Boy. Even though when he sees me his face lights up and he runs over to hug me tightly and asks me how my day went and says he's glad to see me. I'm terrified that I'm actually a creep and the Boy hates me and I don't see it. I feel like there's no way in the world someone could actually want me around.

Yesterday I was 156.5. Today I was pretty much unable to eat because I was so nauseous from anxiety. I think tomorrow may finally be the day I cross off another goal. I need some good news.

Today I've had 6 cups of coffee and a bag of potato chips. I don't want to eat anything else. I weighed 160.3 yesterday, I didn't have time to check before work and eating today, but I hope it goes down.

My friend found out about my crush on the boy. He's been friends with the boy for 6 years but wouldn't spill any useful info. I guess he's good at keeping secrets after all. I told him not to tell mine, I hope he keeps it. I told him about my ED too for some stupid reason. I fail at keeping my own secrets anymore.

Tarot says I need to love myself before anyone else will really love me. That's so unlikely, and I don't want to be alone.

Oh stupid me, going through his line to buy my binge foods after work. And then saying I planned to eat the ice cream and cookies for dinner and making jokes about how fat I am. He just looked horrified and completely out of his depth and touched my arm gently and said "Um, well, have a good night, ok?"

I ruin everything ever.

So for whatever reason, since Valentine's Day the boy has decided its now ok to hug me. For the last four months he's never even touched me, so I'm confused by the long, lingering hugs that are happening now. Its totally not fair to tease me like this, sweetheart. It keeps me up at night thinking about how your shoulder blades feel through your shirt.

He told me he wishes he weighed more, said that the weight I'm at is his goal. I laughed and told him I'd gladly give him the 20 lbs difference. He didn't laugh, he looked like what I said scared him. He thinks I'm pretty and says I'm rad. Its sweet, I hope the hugs aren't just sympathy.

I keep typing out drafts of posts and then deleting them because hello, nothing is ever good/interesting/perfect enough for me. So here's some things that have happened recently in case you were curious:

--I didn't account for the fact that being mostly sober and losing weight means I get drunk much faster/easier than I think I will. I lost track of an hour somewhere last night, but I made it home safe because apparently I have friends who actually give a shit about me.

--My stalker situation has supposedly calmed down although now it's being strongly implied that I'm supposed to feel bad for "misunderstanding" him. And that is just so much bullshit. I am the one who was made to feel intensely uncomfortable and unsafe, people shouldn't be coming to me after the fact and saying my feelings are invalid.

--I really want/need to break up with my fake boyfriend. I am about up to my eyeballs in lies now, and I need to do something before it unravels and people find out that I am just a bunch of secrets and bullshit. Except now everyone is treating me a lot better because they don't think I'm a freaky weird loner anymore. Fuck fuck fuck.

--I am sick of people saying that I'm shy. I'm actually not shy, I just hate most people and I'm intensely critical. I know from experience that letting in the few people I don't hate is intensely dangerous, so I just don't bother much anymore.