I don't know if I'm really coming back yet or not, but something happened and I want to write about it since I can't talk about it. The part that I can't tell anyone, anyway.

Last night at work there was an incident. There's a lot of stupid details, but it boils down to the fact that my life was really and truly threatened. Management and security took it very seriously and I'm allowed to do practically nothing without an escort now. As if I wasn't terrified enough to leave my house after some close calls on the streets in the last month or so.

This comes fast on the heels of going to Christmas with my family and having my cousin's boyfriend take a more than friendly interest in me. Which I have no idea what to do about either, other than further isolate myself from my family. Because if I say anything to any of them, they'll just blame me and say I was inviting the attention. Or that I'm blowing it out of proportion and the touching was friendly and not intended to be taken as sexual.

I've been able to step back from the ED behaviors in the past few months and it's been a relief to not hear the screaming in my head. Not that I've exactly been eating normally, but it's been a sort of unconscious maintenance period and I haven't been on the scale all the time but my clothes still fit the same way I expect them to. But now it's coming back because I need something to hide behind. I'm half welcoming of it and half terrified of having it eat me alive again.

And I'm so mad too because I feel like the ED is the reason all these bad things keep happening to me (even though they happened before too). When I was 200+ pounds, I could walk around without everyone wanting to fuck me or hurt me (somewhat). Because when I wasn't pretty I was less of a target (not really true either, but this keeps running through my head).

Tomorrow I'm cutting off all my hair. Everyone says how pretty it is.

My birthday is next week. I've gained weight and my clothes don't fit. My mother had my cat put down without bothering to ask my permission. The boy I like is dating my enemy. My stalker is trying to throw a surprise party for me. My supposed best friends are getting tired of my ever continuing trend of self destruction and are pulling away. I hate my job more than ever. I want to leave this town but I don't have a way to escape and I know all this will just follow me wherever I run to.

My cat died on Friday. He was very ill and my mother had him put to sleep. She failed to mention that fact to me over the weekend. I called her on Monday telling her about how I'd been out getting Christmas presents in the city and that I'd found some cool things for him. That was when she finally broke the news to me. She had him cremated but didn't even bring the remains home so he could be in the yard.

I'm devastated. I canceled all my plans with friends because I can't keep it together. I left the house briefly for cigarettes and binge food from the corner store and the clerk asked if I was ok. I looked in the mirror at home later and realized how much of a wreck I am right now. I basically haven't left the bed since I got the news and have been asleep more than I've been awake. I'm dreading work in the morning, but I can't call out because of a mandatory meeting they've scheduled for everyone.

That cat was one of the only things I loved in the world and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

For anyone who is still checking this, I'm sorry for the continuing hiatus. I'm still alive, but I've been dealing with some difficult/miserable situations. I'm still being watched and I really hate it and I've gained 10 pounds and my jeans don't fit. And I asked out a guy who seemed to be really into me and he said we should just be friends. He's now dating someone much skinnier than me. That's barely even skimming the surface, but every night I spend time wishing I was dead. Sorry for the melodrama, I'll see you again maybe soon.

We always find each other

So it's been a while. I've been having a sort of recovery, with a couple of lapses into binge mode. I haven't counted calories or weighed myself in a long time. But I look at myself every day and see things that look too big, feel my clothes getting tight in ways I can't stand. It's been itching at me, the voice quietly nagging in the back of my mind. But I've had to be more careful lately because now I'm being watched by the couple of people who care. I should be grateful, but it feels like they nag and push and I hate that they worry about me.

Then today something happened. There's a girl at work that I've started to be friends with lately, we started bonding over our shared dietary preferences. It wasn't really a surprise when she admitted to me tonight that she's a recovering anorexic, and once that was out in the open I had no problem telling her I also have an ED. At which point we spent the next 20 minutes excitedly discussing really triggering things that we miss about actively engaging in our disorders. So tonight I came how from work very amped up and thinking about how I can't stand the way I look and it is past time for me to jump back off the wagon. There is danger everywhere. I want so badly to fall back into it again, it makes all my other problems feel unimportant.

My meds haven't been working and I've been feeling really scattered and thinking about death and having huge emotional swings. I made an appointment to go see my psychiatrist again and figure things out. So I went home Monday afternoon with a tentative Bipolar NOS diagnosis. I'm now tapering off the Celexa and going to start mood stabilizers soon. Also I'm supposed to get sober and stop getting high. I'm feeling pretty down about the whole thing. We discussed my cigarette smoking habits and I said its the one thing that's helping keep me somewhat stable. This is the only time ever that a doctor has told me that if it helps, I shouldn't try to quit right now.

I made a new friend at work. We are two of the unhappiest people ever, and somehow this works. I doubt its healthy though. We talk about how we want to not be so miserable, and that it would be awesome to have nice things and be able to take care of them like normal people. I can tell him that I'm feeling aggressive and want to hit someone just to take the edge off without him treating me like I'm crazy. And honestly, just being able to talk about feeling that way can really help make it less of a problem. He was on vacation for a week and it was really difficult not to have him around. I guess he missed me too seeing as he hugged me for the first time ever, and he is not really affectionate with anyone at work. I hope he doesn't quit this job.

I've come out to my parents' house to visit for a couple days for the first time in almost a year. It's weird and stressful. The most shocking thing was discovering my cat has gone full on anorexic. This cat used to weigh almost 20 pounds. I think he's maybe about 7 or 8 now. I'm thoroughly disturbed on a level that my mother doesn't understand. She won't take him to the vet and I don't have money or a car to do it myself. I'm now threatening to have my friend foster him since I could keep an eye on him if he weren't so far away. And I think probably it's my fault he's like this because I haven't been visiting him regularly and this is his way of dealing with separation anxiety. Or maybe he's sick and I know she doesn't take him to the vet as often as he's supposed to go and it's my fault for relying on someone else to care for him.

My mom seems completely oblivious to the fact that his bones are visible and that he doesn't like being petted because it's painful for him. She says he won't eat the food she offers him and that she won't deal with the hassle of giving him special or pricey food. This evening I sat with him and he ate a whole can of expensive cat food and was cheerful about it. At least while I'm here I can insure he eats. I'm terrified, I've loved this cat for almost half my life and I would guess he's got a few months left at this rate. I don't know what to do.

In case you were wondering, I now have an ex best friend. And as far as I know, she and the dubstep boy are fucking. My life is awesome sometimes. She still has my extra keys and I don't know how to ask for them back without causing a problem. I'm gonna find out from my dad if he can change the locks for me since I can't afford to pay someone to do it.

I've had a weird few weeks in general. The bath salts guy is now claiming he didn't dose me and then he tried to get me to come over to his house again. I declined, because I'm not stupid and do not plan to have that happen to me again. Especially now that I don't have someone to call that will come rescue me.

There was also a weird drunken phone call a few hours ago from my (unhappily) married friend who I swear has developed feelings for me. He was one of my main sources of social interaction lately, but now I'm not sure how to deal with him.

Creepy guy at work has also returned to his pursuit of me and keeps trying to invite himself over to my house now. I keep telling him no and he keeps asking like the answer will change.

I wish I could catch a break here. I feel like I sound ridiculous and paranoid when I tell anyone that men have weird fixations and attractions when it comes to me, but they do. I wish I was making it up. Its disturbing how much people are attracted to those who are incredibly damaged, and it ends up causing even more damage.

It's not that I'm suicidal, it's just sometimes the idea of not being alive to deal with all this shit sounds like such a relief. I don't do anything but I sure as hell fantasize about just getting out of all of this.

Thanks for facebooking me to tell me that you're not interested. "Oh I like you as a friend" is like the worst thing. Don't offer that shit. Also for the motherfucking record, I was not initiating the affection, I was responding to what was put out there. So go fuck yourself. I'm glad to know I'm too ugly/fat/stupid/mentally ill/not confident enough for you. I know she put you up to this. I hope you're happy with each other.

I'm sitting at home and I'm completely mortified because I know my ex-best friend is the reason this is happening and he is faking ignorance with me like he does when he doesn't want me to feel embarrassed. The awful thing about being betrayed by your close friend is that you can see their fingerprints all over the situation, and it just makes me want to die because why would she do this to me? I don't understand and I will probably just completely cut our mutual friends out of my life because I can't trust her to not make it awful between me and all the rest of them.

I was considering asking someone out for the first time in at least 8 years. So far every time I've tried, it has gone incredibly badly for me and results in public humiliation. I think maybe I won't try anymore. I think maybe I won't trust my friends anymore either.

When I said I was worried about my supposed best friend wanting me out of her life, it turns out I was right. Because now that I'm interested in Dubstep boy, she has decided she wants him for her own. I didn't realize until recently that she has this problem, but she very much likes to poach other people's partners and potential partners. So now there's an awful love triangle going on. Plus I think she's going ahead and telling him all the things about me that will crush a potential relationship. It's fun to get back stabbed. I haven't heard from him in about 4 days now, I'll give it maybe one more week until I give up. I found out on fb last night that they were out at a restaurant with everyone we know and when I replied to the post she made clear that I was not invited. It's times like this when I hate being alive because what's the point when your friends and family treat you like shit?

Just so I wouldn't have to be alone for part of tonight I had a work friend over for beer and a few hands of Magic. We are like the most awkward adult nerds ever and he always has to leave relatively early to go home to his family. So now I get the pleasure of being sad and alone and slightly sick (I think I'm allergic to alcohol maybe, I only had one beer). All the people I usually text to abate loneliness are busy having fun because it's Friday and they have lives. I wish I'd realized this would be a pathetic hateful binge kind of night when the store was still open. :/

I need some sort of nickname beyond "The Boy" because that is what I always call them and I'm pretty sure it gets confusing. Let's just go with Dubstep because it's generic and anonymous enough but works for him. Anyway, Dubstep and I have been messaging back and forth since he moved out of the house. I should probably back up and mention that my last post from really late on Saturday (technically already Sunday), was incomplete from some details. Because it took about 24 hours for me to realize that he had been strongly hinting that I should stay and hang out with him that night. Instead I went to the store with my friend and her pack of idiots because I was so clueless about his signals. A long drawn out goodbye where he was holding onto my arm and asking if I really had to go and telling me he thinks I'm awesome, yes I'm that dense to completely not realize what's going on. When I finally figured out what an idiot I was, I messaged him and asked how things were at the new place.

Here's where it gets weird: I've mentioned that I get along well with his cat. I jokingly said to him on Saturday that we should have shared custody of the cat. So his reply to my message starts with him describing how great his new place is and asking how I am, then he asks if I was serious about having the cat at my house. Because he claims that I seem like a better caretaker than him. Everyone knows he loves this cat and has had it for years, but suddenly he's asking this boy he's known for a few months to take it off his hands for an indeterminate period. The fuck? I said yes, because dammit I really like that cat, but I'm not really sure what's going on here.

The easiest way to sort all this out would be in person and I asked if he wanted to get together and hang, but he says he's really busy. I don't know what to do now. I guess if nothing else I'll come out ahead with a free cat.

Did I mention I developed a crush on the guy who made coffee and listened to me vent the morning after my bath salts incident? Because that happened. He's been out of town for a while and I helped take care of his cat while he was gone. That cat loves me to death and he says he finds it shocking because his cat usually doesn't like other people. I hung out with him for a while tonight, I think he might be a little smitten with me all of a sudden. He kept hugging on me and rubbing my shoulders. I hope he really is as decent as he seems, I want to be done with guys who treat me like shit.

Helped my best friend move into her new apartment today. She's all kinds of fucked up right now and it was difficult to deal with her. I've helped her move before and she's never acted like this, I'm worried that she's having some other problems she's not telling me about. She keeps saying she's starting fresh with this move and clearing out old people in her life that are dragging her down. I hope to god she doesn't mean me.

I'm back to the convenience store diet. Which for a long time just entailed me going in once a day and buying some chips and a candy bar and eating nothing else all day. But the bags of chips keep getting bigger and I'll grab pints of ice cream or large packages of cookies now too. And I'll go multiple times a day, making sure to rotate stores because I don't want to be recognized. I looked in the mirror today and noticed my face is puffy/fat. I can't tell if it's real weight or water retention from having way too much sodium in my diet.

I've stopped going to the gym again and it irritates me that I'm wasting money on a membership I'm not using. It's not that I don't want to go, it's that getting out of bed is hard again. I'm still on my meds but everything is overwhelming and the lift I'm getting isn't enough. I don't remember to shower regularly or brush my teeth or take out the trash. I think tomorrow I need to call my doctor and see when I can go in to discuss medication adjustment.

The only thing keeping me slightly afloat is my friends. I invite them to spend the night or ask to crash at their houses so I don't have to spend the late hours by myself (that's when the intrusive thoughts tend to become extreme and unbearable). During the daytime I either go to work or try to make plans to hang out with people. I feel bad for being so needy. I feel like I'm supposed to be stronger and able to do everything without the help of other people. I'm not used to having people who care about me and want to make sure I'm ok. When I was a kid everyone acted like it was such a burden to have me around. I have a hard time understanding how normal human beings act towards each other.

So the bath salts didn't kill me and the guy who drugged me refuses to apologize for drugging me. My friend who left me alone at home was sorry he fucked up by not making sure I was taken care of before he left, but at least he didn't leave me with the asshole who drugged us. I'm incredibly angry about what happened and the fact that the guy seems to think it was totally ok to give people hard drugs without warning.

I feel really lucky that my best friend is as amazing as she is and came to rescue me when I really needed it. I don't know what I'd do without her. At least there's one person around who really gives a damn and takes care of me when I need it. It's strange to have someone to rely on after a lifetime of not having it.

New Boy is gone back home with his wife and kid. Monday was his last day at work. We had a really tense and wrenching (for me at least) goodbye at the end of the night. He hugged me too long and too tight for it to be normal and he told me that I'm gonna be ok and wished me luck. I was really choked up and said I wished he wasn't leaving but I made sure not to cry in front of him. It's taken a couple days for it to sink in that I will never see him or speak to him again. I didn't give him any way to contact me, I knew it was best that way. My heart hurts.

In the midst of all the trauma of the last few days, my best friend's roommate turned out to be a really good guy. I see him all the time at the house, but we are just really acquaintances. The morning after I got drugged, he hung around while my friend ran errands and made coffee and chatted with me and let me just kind of vent about how upset and scared I was. He didn't leave to do his own errands until he decided I was safe enough to be left alone for a little while. I've never had a male take care of me in my entire life. I wish there were more guys like him in this world.

Addendum

I texted my friend and she came and took me to her house. I'm ok and I think I'm going to sleep now.

Now all my friends know. About me about what I do. They've all heard me puke at some point when we hang out. I may never be able to show my face at work again. Or at anywhere. I hope the house burns down tonight with me in it.

I smoked weed laced with bath salts tonight. I honestly think I might die right now. I wouldn't have smoked it if I'd known it was laced. So I puked while hanging out with my friend and then told him all about that I have an eating disorder. Because I am so fucked out of my mind right now that I can't stop myself from saying everything.

I'm so sick right now I might possibly throw up everything I've ever eaten. I'm scared something bad will happen and there's nobody here to call emergency for me. And no insurance to pay for it either. I hate this shit, everything seems huge and terrifying. How long before it ends and I'm sober and ok?

Its been more than two weeks since I've been to the gym. I don't know when the last time was that I ate a green vegetable. All I have been eating for several weeks now is hamburger helper made with fake ground beef. I have attempted to branch out in the flavors I buy and the add ins I use, but it just doesn't work. I wonder at what point I will be completely unable to stomach this stuff anymore. The amazing thing is that I seem to be holding at a stable weight for now, probably because I'm not really getting any sort of nutrition.

I dreamed about Comic Shop Girl the other night. I haven't thought about her in a long time. In the dream I went to the shop and asked her to teach me to play Magic. In real life I was barely ever able to stammer out the titles of back issues I needed help finding. She's the only girl I've ever felt attracted to, which meant I had no fucking clue how to deal. At least she's used to dealing with socially inept males so my behavior just seemed sadly normal in context.

I need a vacation. Somewhere in/near the woods. I'm sick of city life. Of course I don't have money to do this, but I'm doing imaginary vacation planning online anyway. The problem I keep mentally running into is that I've always felt more lonely than ever when I'm sleeping in a big hotel bed all by myself.

Yesterday, at home in my own bed, I woke up in a panic from some nightmare I was having. I was shouting and crying, which I think is what pulled me out of it. It shook me up so badly that instead of going back to sleep, I got out of bed and started my morning routine. I didn't bother telling anyone about this during my day. Its not the sort of thing to bring up in casual conversation. But I felt off kilter and snapped at people more than usual. I wonder how different my days would be if there was someone else around when I woke up crying in the night.

My friend and I went grocery shopping the other night. It's like we were attuned to the same purpose of planning out massive binges. Instead of encouraging each other to select healthy things like we usually do, we bought entire pies and a large number of baking mixes and chips and sodas. I blew my entire grocery budget for the month of July and I don't have anything but binge foods. I have yet to go back to the gym because I'm still having serious coughing fits. I don't know what to do.

I'm so excited to be feeling another migraine coming on. I had a bad one that lasted for three days last weekend. And I have a cold. I haven't been to the gym in 9 days. I gained back the weight I lost from working out. Everything sucks.

Creepy guy at work has started ramping up the creep factor again. Also it turns out he lies about all kinds of things. Which is another warning sign. Turns out his twin brother is not his twin at all and he doesn't use his real name at work. I found out what his actual name is so I could try google and see if he's got some kind of record. I'm afraid to check.

I just wanna go home and be in pain alone, I hate my job.

Wine hangovers make me feel like death warmed over all day. It probably doesn't help that I drunkenly purged my dinner last night. While my friends were over. And they could totally hear me do it. At the time, I was beyond giving a fuck. This morning I sent out some apology texts and was informed that I was a complete mess when everyone left but that they still love me. And they want me to find a new therapist.

Didn't make it to the gym today, I felt like if I tried I would just end up blacking out or throwing up from the exertion. Tomorrow I'm off and I will make up for today by doing extra time and going to a long yoga session.

There's an open supervisor position at work but I'm not applying for it because I don't want to deal with the rejection. As soon as I heard about the ass kissing bitch that had applied I knew there was no point. He's gonna get it and be terrible and I hate him.

I keep telling people that I'm completely over the Boy so they'll stop telling me he's a jerk and not worth my time. But secretly I still like him and wish it could work out. Despite the whole part where I would be terrified to sleep with him and let him see me.

I feel like I'm slogging through molasses today. Everything is too hard and complicated.

Trying to get back to my fasting Wednesdays. Although with the working out I'm now bumping it from water only to allowing small amounts of fruit and vegetable juices. I took caffeine pills before I hit the gym this morning so I could power through it. Fuck this body fat, I'm gonna get down to 112.

The real reason I don't date isn't because I can't find guys I like, its because I don't want anyone to see me without my clothes on.

They were offering a free body fat test at work today. Of course I took advantage. I've never had one before so I dunno how I stack up compared to when I was dancing or weighed 200 pounds or anything. Anyway, I was horribly disturbed because I discovered I'm at 32.8% body fat. Based on my weight this morning, it means I'm 106 pounds of me and 52 pounds of disgusting fat. Fucking gross.

I joined a gym last week and I have been slowly increasing the resistance and time each day. It's a circuit gym, so generally I hit the elliptical, do the circuit, then finish with a run on the treadmill. Today I felt like I was running purely on self hatred by the end. I felt stronger because of it. It's easy to run when you desperately want to escape yourself. I knew I was fat before, now I have proof of just how bad it is and that everyone who says I'm skinny just doesn't know what they're talking about.

I bought two weeks worth of groceries and ate the majority of them in the last two days. So I guess I have to restrict because I checked my bank balance and I don't have money till next payday since my rent check cleared. As a side benefit, I feel bloated and gross from eating everything in sight. In a moment of extreme anger and hate at the feeling, I took some laxies before bed last night. Because I didn't think about the fact that I was working this morning. Stomach cramps kept me up all night. Work today is not going well for me for obvious reasons. Stupid.

Fuck not having a gag reflex. I don't purge. Not since I was in high school at least. But something about today and this week and all this shit I've been dealing with, today I tried my damnedest to purge after an especially painful binge. Handsfree had never failed me before but all I could do was cough. Shoving my fingers down my throat was weird and uncomfortable but not at all nauseating. I sat on the bathroom floor feeling like a failure because I couldn't throw up.

Yesterday night was emotionally exhausting. I was at a party and ended up spending an hour with my drunken best friend clinging to me and sobbing about how much she loves me and how she wants me to be ok. Having to go to work today was awful because I just wanted to be alone. I put on an extra cheerful face because I didn't want anyone to ask me what was wrong.

I want to purge out the feelings more than anything.

My best friend and I made plans to hang out tonight. When she finally got off work and was on the way to get me, I got a text saying that she was bringing her boyfriend along. Because that's just what I wanted, to be the third wheel all night.

He stared at me during dinner as he shoved a giant burger and fries down his throat. I picked at my salad awkwardly and dipped the fork in dressing between bites. My friend is used to this, but her boyfriend gave me looks like I was a freak.

Afterwards I went outside to smoke. He thinks smoking is a disgusting habit and made my friend quit. I was hoping to go out alone, but they both came with and he just kept giving me dirty looks the whole time while I was trying to enjoy my cigarette.

He tried to pressure my friend into ending the evening so they could go home together. When she wouldn't agree he demanded to be taken home immediately. He told her not wake him up when she got in later.

We went to the dollar store after dropping him off. My friend had to go to the bathroom and I used the opportunity to hide a couple boxes of laxies under the low cal cereal and buttery pan spray in my basket. The cashier was careful and discrete when she handled them so my friend didn't see what they were.

We couldn't think of anything else to do that didn't require a lot of money so my friend brought me home. The car was stopped in front of my building and she said I love you, please get better. I said I'm trying. She said I'm glad you're trying, please get help. I lied and said I would. I wanted to tell her that she should get help too because she always dates manipulate assholes and it makes me worry. But I kept quiet and hugged her and got out of the car.

I came inside and put away my groceries and popped some of the little yellow pills. Can't start tomorrow's fast properly unless I clear out the sins of today.

Black coffee and cigarettes for lunch, same as every other day at work. Except this time the Boy was out on his smoke break and noticed that I was chain smoking and not eating. He smiled and laughed and said it's like I'm a model. Because it's funny and glamorous to have an ED, obviously.

My attempts at restricting got completely derailed today. But I get to start over again on Wednesday with a fast and hopefully next week goes right. I was so stressed out from work that at the end of the night I bought some binge food. When I got home I worked my way through 2/3 of a pack of oreos and a decent sized tub of guacamole spread on tortillas. Normally I can eat the whole box of oreos but apparently there's been some stomach shrinkage from restricting lately. I'm in pain and I know the numbers will be way high come morning. Ugh.

New Boy has been handling me extra carefully the last couple of days. I've been more irritable than usual and am especially hateful when told to do bullshit tasks. So far he's been framing all his requests in super polite terms and following up with me after to find out if everything went ok. I really appreciate being treated like an adult person with feelings. I told him that I think he should be in charge of the floor all the time. The other supes continue to speak to me condescendingly about everything, demand I do stupid tasks right this instant, and say I'm lazy if I stand still for one second, so I make sure to take 10 times as long as necessary and badmouth them behind their backs. Oh hey, yep this is why I never get promotions.

I need to get it together.

This morning the scale said I was 157 on the dot. I haven't been this weight since February. My tightest jeans are now a bit loose in the thighs and waist. My ass still looks huge so I'm wearing untucked button up shirts to cover it.

I'm at work. New Boy hasn't seen me all week, so to him the 4 pounds I've lost since last weekend are probably more noticeable. He came and stood by my register and smiled at me until I asked if he needed something. He said, nope, I was just gonna bag for you but there's nothing to bag. It's hard to do the right thing when the wrong thing is right there and smiling at you. Kind of the way everything in my life is. Why eat when I get so much satisfaction out of feeling my stomach grumble as it lays flat under my jeans?

The last few days I've been downloading and watching made for TV movies about EDs. This morning I started in on the Thin documentary. I don't know why I'm doing this. Compulsion.

I'm tired.

When I first got my driver's permit at 16, I lied and put my weight as 165 on the application. In reality I was somewhere over 200 pounds, but couldn't stand the idea of admitting that to the people at the DMV. 165 seemed like an unattainable goal even though I was already engaging in ED behaviors. I was in high school, but my mother still packed my lunches for me every day. I felt bad about throwing out the sandwiches and snacks she would get up early in the morning to prepare before she left for work, so it was around that time when I asked her to give me lunch money or prepackaged snacks instead. My backpack and locker were full of uneaten granola bars and poptarts all the time, I couldn't give them away fast enough.

I've been hovering in the high 150s since February. The once unattainable 165 now seems like a bloated and disgusting weight that I can never allow myself to hit again. Every new low weight I hit is the lowest I've been in my adult life, it feels simultaneously like a huge victory and a massive failure. Because it's never enough.

So pissed. After laxing the day before and water fasting all day yesterday, my weight was still up this morning. The binging and drinking was way worse than I had figured.

Also I can't tell if I'm getting sick or I'm just allergic to the incense I burned last night. But my throat is killing me. The good thing is that it means I don't want any solid foods.

After the long drunken conversation my friend and I had the other night, I have decided it's time to make an effort to get over New Boy. I know it's going to be really fucking difficult, but ultimately it's for the best. I can't go around breaking my heart with guys like him, it messes me up so much. The funny thing is, this is the one friend I have who is all for going after New Boy, and something about the way he encouraged me makes me know it's the wrong thing to do.

It's Wednesday, which for me now is a day of fasting and prayer. During the service tonight I lit some candles on the alter for my family, my friends, and myself. I specifically asked to be forgiven for what I've been doing and for help to find someone to love me like I deserve. Because really, that's what I want so bad is someone who loves me because of and in spite of everything I am. I'm so tired of being alone.

I love you, be safe, stay strong. You deserve so much.

Yesterday was terrible. I woke up from a vivid nightmare about people I care about being hurt and killed, and it just fucked up my day from the beginning. I was planning to do laundry and clean the house before work, but I got on the scale and saw that I'd magically gained 2 pounds overnight because of binging and so the only logical thing I could think of was to get back in bed and eat almond butter from the jar. Because nothing solves a binge like more binging. I managed 4 days of fasting and restriction in the last week, and I'm starting over tomorrow with my weekly Wednesday fast and maybe if I work hard there will be 5 days without a binge.

Anyway, a huge component of the nightmare involved my friend being badly injured and me trying to get medical attention for him but nobody would help drive us to the hospital. So when I worked with him last night I was rather more clingy with him than usual and I ended up getting him to spend the night with me. Because when I get all fucked up in the head over my nightmares I get really protective and worried that something bad will happen if I'm not around. It's completely stupid, but I woke up this morning and was able to verify that he was alive and whole and now I'm not fixated on the images of him being hurt and scared.

We got drunk last night and as per usual I suffered from uninhibited word vomit syndrome. But I don't feel bad because he did the same thing. I do regret that I fucked up the anonymity of this blog in a moment of carelessness. I don't know if he will go looking for it or if he remembers, but I might be deleting and starting over somewhere else. That would be the smart thing to do. It's one thing to verbally share secrets, it's entirely something else when you've shared the location of a publicly available written record of your fucked up mental state. This is why I never use names or state locations in specific terms. But still I'm an idiot.

Things that would've been useful to know three months ago: the Boy really is bisexual. I don't blame him for not being out about it, everyone thinks he's a whore anyway and it would just add fuel to the fire. But still, I wish I'd at least known when I actually was considering him, instead of being in turmoil for months that any attention I showed would be unwanted. I feel shitty because it feels like during the months of inaction, we mutually friendzoned each other and now I'll never know if it could've been something.

While my friend and I were drunk last night we went to the convenience store for more cigarettes and trashy junk food we didn't end up eating. I ate everything after he left earlier, and very seriously considered purging just to make the bloated full feeling go away. Instead I'm taking laxies because right now I don't give a fuck about the calories I just want to be empty.

I wonder if anyone will read this.

As a way of dealing with how direction less my life has been feeling lately, I've started going back to church. I'm not sure of how it will feel in the long run, but having been raised as a strict Christian with weekly services giving a rhythm to my life, it feels comfortable going back to that. I don't (and never will) attend services in the particular brand of Christianity that I was raised in, but there's a church I've been going to on and off for two years and it fulfills most of my needs.

My friends invited me to go to yoga today, but I feel tired from fasting yesterday. It feels weak and wrong to turn down the opportunity to exercise. I told them I'd meet them after. I'm worried this will involve dinner out somewhere because they know about the ED. I wish I had never told anyone.

I tried to weigh myself this morning but the batteries on the Wii board are dead and I have to wait for them to recharge now. The console said it's been 76 days since my last weigh in. That's some kind of record for me I think.

I'm jealous of how skinny New Boy is. I see him eating all the time which makes it worse. Then I spend all this mental energy wondering why he bothers flirting with me when I must be 30 pounds heavier despite being half a foot shorter. I realized the other day that the biggest thing that would hold me back from having sex with him is the fact that he'd have to see me at least partially undressed.

I think it's funny when people tell me I'm thin. I only appear that way because I'm being compared to the standard American. Working at a grocery store is so horrifying, I want to escape back to the safety of selling skinny clothes to skinny people.

Mood swings? What mood swings?

After going to bed last night and feeling like I wanted to be dead, today saw me in an almost cheerful mood. What the fuck? These pills are supposed to even things out and all they seem to have smoothed over is my seething rage, but the crushing despair is still absolutely there to rear its ugly head at inopportune moments. And I need something better for my anxiety attacks, the pills the doctor gave me just make me feel faint and sleepy.

I'm not exactly sure when all my conversations with New Boy started taking place in whispers while we are standing dangerously close together. His voice sounds low and rough when he's quiet, and I always feel intensely aware of the warmth of his body next to me. Work seems more interesting because everything feels like it's a secret, even asking for a roll of quarters for my till. I try not to think too hard about the reality of the situation because it hurts to know he's not really mine.

I need to set aside the money I used to spend on therapy and use it to get a gym membership instead. And then I need to get off my ass and go for a couple hours every day. Or go look on craigslist for a cheap treadmill and never have to leave the house or deal with nosy gym members. Which I'd much prefer. Now that I got rid of the couch I sort of have enough space for one.

My parents will be here in the morning and I feel really unprepared to deal with them. I just wanna hide in bed forever.

I was right, it's not convenient for my friends to help me occasionally. Which is funny, because I'm always there when they want help. Guess who isn't doing shit for anyone anymore. Me.

I was on the phone with my mother today and told her I will never fall in love and be with anyone. She said it was good that I knew I wasn't ready for it at the moment. I told her she wasn't listening to me, that by never I meant never. I said that everyone leaves and it's not worth it. I also mentioned that I think her husband is a jerk and we will never get along, and that she's got too many problems and that's why I have a bad relationship with her. I guess I'm being too honest with people today. I wonder if she cried about what I said.

Everything sucks and I hate people and I wish I didn't have to be here anymore.

I've quit therapy, finally. We were supposed to have a final session last week, but I never made the appointment and she hasn't called again. I lied a few weeks ago and told her I was getting into the free ED group therapy I mentioned on here a while ago. And I also said I was going back to my old therapist for individual sessions, the one I stopped seeing 3 years ago. (I'd be embarrassed to go back to see her, I was doing so well when I ended the sessions with her. I don't want her to see what a mess I became in the interim.) I'm still on my meds and I have almost endless refills and the ability to go get more from my doctor when I need them. I can't afford more therapy even if I wanted it. It was getting to the point where every week was an endless repetition of "I know you don't want to eat, but you need to so you don't get sick" and "I know you're afraid to be in a relationship again, but you should start going on dates."

I've been obsessively cleaning my house in small portions. The kitchen is nearly done, including washing the dishes that have been at the bottom of the sink growing disturbing molds for several months. I've also tackled small parts of the living area and bathroom. The secret behind this is that the weather has finally been sunny and warm, so now at least the seasonal depression has lifted and now I'm able to get out of bed sometimes. Plus my parents are visiting this week and I don't like my mother to see that I generally live in squalor. Annnnnd... the Boy might be coming over to get drunk at my house. At the same time that my parents are visiting. It's probably the worst idea I've ever come up with.

Here's the story: I just can't handle being around my dad without a buffer anymore, so I asked my mom if I could bring a friend on this family outing. Turns out that none of my friends could make room in their schedule for this. In desperation, I asked the Boy if he would hang out with me and promised he could be drunk for this. He said he'll let me know when I see him at work tomorrow. I'm hoping he says yes because I've run out of people to ask and time to find anyone else. But I know most likely he will flake and then I can feel extra sad because as usual I never have friends when I really need them. It's simply not convenient to be friends with me.

As I mentioned, the sunshine has been helping to lift some of the depression. The meds are keeping me generally even tempered and non-ragey. And going anywhere outside after dark induces dry mouthed terror. Hell, having the windows open at night and hearing people walk by on the sidewalk has upset me on more than a few occasions. I've gotten to the point where I worry that someone outside might see the lights on in my windows and decide it would be an excellent idea to break into my house. If I have to be at work after sundown, not only do I spend the entire time worrying about the walk home after my shift, but all the creepy things that customers think are appropriate to say to a cashier feel even more upsetting and threatening. The walk home from work consists of 30 minutes of me thinking I'm absolutely going to be murdered and probably raped by the homeless men and random thugs who catcall me. (As everyone loves to tell me, I am apparently too pretty to be a boy. In the dark from across the street, the creeps always assume I'm a woman.)

This is depressing as fuck. I hate my life.

I finally noticed how depressed I am. I took garbage out of the kitchen for the first time in weeks. There's still more, and I don't know how long the pile of dishes has been sitting in the sink now. Everything I've eaten in the last two weeks has been something I could consume directly from the package and all of it came off convenience store shelves. I'm managing to lose weight because my body doesn't know how to cope with this junk and I end up being sick soon after eating.

Creepy guy is stressing me out by always showing up during my shifts, even when it's supposed to be his day off. His newest tactic is acting pitiful and begging me for hugs. Today I relented and allowed him to hug me while I stood there stiffly, he squeezed me until it hurt and I yelped. My arm is bruised from where he grabbed too hard. I feel like it's probably my own fault for being stupid and allowing him to touch me. There were people around but nobody seemed to notice. Most people think his infatuation with me is "cute" anyway.

I want to stay in bed and call out sick tomorrow. I can't stand it.

Someday you will be loved

I did molly for the first time last night. Fuck. I really wish I could feel that close and connected to people more often. It was super intense and I'm glad I waited till we left the bar to take it, I don't think I could've handled it in public. It was nice to be with people I am comfortable around and cuddle with my friend and talk with her about all the things neither of us can ever talk about normally.

It's incredibly rare for me to be hugged and kissed and have someone tell me they love me without them wanting something from me. My family is not emotionally or physically affectionate. My close friends growing up were usually damaged people and none of us really initiated casual affection with each other. All the boys that ever bothered with it just wanted to fuck me and it's often been rough handling and scary and not fun for me. I pretty much lack basic intimacy with people and it sucks. I'm going to try to hold onto last night's comforting closeness and make it last for a while.

I guess basically, last night felt the way I've always imagined having a perfect relationship would be. Closeness and safety and unthinking honesty. The kind of thing I'm so unlikely to find in an unaltered state on an everyday basis. I just get wrapped up in jerks who show me a little bit of affection because I'm starved for it. And even though everyone says I deserve better, it's hard to give up what little I have in hopes that I will actually find the better option.

I've been sleeping too much again. I come home from work and "nap" for 4-6 hours, get up to smoke and maybe eat, then go right back to bed again for another 10-12 hours. I also won't leave the house unless I absolutely have to. Since I work, its not quite as bad as the summer a few years ago when I never even went outside more than once a week, but it's frightening to see the pattern returning.

I've been feeling lonelier than normal. I realized that if something were to happen to me, it would probably be a week before anyone bothered to check that I was alive. It's awful to think that at 27, I'm exactly the kind of person who should be subscribed to the Life Alert service that old people use.

I'm supposed to make an appearance at a birthday party tomorrow night. I really wish I'd make up an excuse, I hate standing around awkwardly at these kinds of things. I'll probably leave early so I can go home and hide in my bed.

I don't know how to describe New Boy's behavior in any way other than "really flirty". When I was leaving today he sort of stopped me to say goodbye and chat for a second about my plans for after work, then in the middle of whatever we were saying he just casually mentioned his wife. I managed not to falter or make it obvious that he had really thrown me off with this confirmation. I just wonder what he's playing at here, because he started this and I haven't escalated anything since I'd heard the rumor. For now at least I'm really enjoying the attention, it seems relatively harmless, and it hasn't crossed any lines, so I'm just going to see what happens. If I was not completely self destructive, I would put an end to it now since it will quite likely blow up in my face and ruin what's left of my life here. I know from past experience that if we were found out, I would be blamed for "chasing" him, as though I had an evil plan to mess up his life. I can't even learn from my own mistakes.

I'm in the part of depression where I start altering my appearance to try and jump-start my feelings. The haircut turned out fine despite the horrible salon experience. The half-assed dye job I did ended up being a happy little accident and I've been asked multiple times how to replicate the effect (I have no good answer other than fuck it up and hope for the best). Last night I hit the tattoo shop for a new piercing. Now my nose is done and I'm rather pleased with it. I've held off on getting it done since I've been dreaming about getting a nose job since I was a teenager, but I don't know when I'll ever have the money for that and I figure I'll deal with any scar tissue issues at that magical future time when I have money for cosmetic surgery. If only I could afford some new clothes I would be all set for my newest transformation.

I only have one therapy session left. I'm supposed to find a new therapist. I can't afford to go anywhere besides this clinic. Plus I don't want to start over with someone new who doesn't know my history because it takes me so long to get to trust new people. I don't know what to do other than lie and pretend I've found somewhere to go so my current therapist will stop asking me.

Apparently I can't even get a haircut now without being harassed by idiot men who think they want to fuck me. I regularly go to a non-English speaking salon just to avoid the awkwardness of conversing with a stylist. I print out some photos to show them how I'd like my hair cut and I've never had a problem. Except today I had the tortuous fun of interpreting broken English and hand gestures for an hour as the stylist's unemployed friend asked me increasingly personal questions and tried to talk me into a date. Finally I was like "yeah, looks great, I gotta go" (I hate it actually but I couldn't stand being there any longer), at which point I was begged by the friend to allow some pictures because supposedly the stylist wanted them for his portfolio. I don't know why I told him ok but I did, so now some guy has pics of me on his phone making a really awkward fake smile. But he doesn't know my name or my phone number and I sure as hell am never going back to that place again.

I also had therapy today where I said that I am angry at myself for being depressed again since I am on meds and feel there is no good reason for me to be upset and crying all the time. She said that being mugged at gunpoint was obviously very traumatic for me and that I need to stop being so hard on myself. The problem is, I don't know how to be anything other than hard on myself.

I've been binging even though food is undesirable and tasteless these days. Usually when its like this I'm able to just stop eating, I don't know why I keep at it, it doesn't feel rewarding in any manner. The weight gain is becoming rather visible, so I wear big bulky sweaters so nobody at work will know. I see myself in the mirror and find it more disgusting than before. I don't know why all these guys keep chasing me, I wouldn't chase me.

I hate working on holidays. Everything was a giant clusterfuck. I was so stressed out by the end of my shift from customers and supervisors. On top of that creepy stalker guy pushed to get me to hang out with him after work despite me saying that I wasn't interested. I ended up running into the market on the way home to buy binge foods and then ate myself sick. Now I feel like death and I have to work early tomorrow. Ugh.

Since facebook wasn't being helpful in my information gathering efforts, I tapped into the handy gossip mill of my coworkers for info on New Boy. Rumor has it he's married (with kids). But considering how reliable their info usually is, I won't believe it till I get a better source. But if he is, dammit why does that keep happening to me? I'm not in the business of home wrecking, even though it's a common trait among my relatives. And even if he's got some real good hookups for concert tickets like the last guy, I know better than to put myself in that situation again. Because you can't trust a cheater to not cheat on you.

Skinny pretty boys will be the death of me

I think I'm only interested in the thrilling part of chasing boys and not the actual part where we have any real relationship. Having a relationship with the Boy would be problematic anyway since now I'm rather disgusted by certain people he's fucked. Plus the whole thing where he claims publicly to be 100% straight. I kinda want to tell him "Ok, well its been fun messing with your head but I was only interested in you because you seemed impossible to have." Of course that comes off really badly, but it's true and completely fucked up. Plus in light of the appearance of New Boy, I'm barely interested in saying more than hello to the old one now.

New Boy is a fun challenge because he's technically my boss and therefore I'm really really not supposed to have him or we can both get fired. Which just makes me want him more. I enjoy destroying myself on every level. Let's see how long it takes for the pursuit of this crush to wreck my life somehow.

I was edgy and having a hard time concentrating today and couldn't figure out why. Then I got home and realized all I'd had today was coffee. I decided it was ok to let myself eat cereal without measuring (rice chex and almond milk, I'd have to practically eat the whole box to break 1000 calories) since for now I'm just trying to ease back in to restriction. I got tired of chewing pretty quickly so I'm not even worried about it. I feel so much more alert when I'm not in sugar shock from eating a pan of brownies in one go or some other ridiculous binge food. Small steps.

After two months of daily binging, something has shifted. I noticed last night when I lost interest mid-binge. Today I went on autopilot while I was cooking and made a huge amount of food, then I stared at it and kinda nibbled at it during the day. I don't know why it changed, but I hope it stays like this for a while. It's always three steps forward and two steps back with me, and I need to just learn to work with it because every time I get a little bit smaller and a little bit stronger.

The best part of restricting is how focused I am on my goals, to the exclusion of all my normal worries. When I walk around feeling empty, I also feel strong. And I'm going to need so much strength to break the attraction I have to the Boy and at the same time work to keep myself safe from the Creep.

Be strong, love yourselves. Xoxo

It's not cute (and is in fact creepy and upsetting) when someone tries to shoehorn themself into your life as some kind of instant boyfriend. This isn't the first time, although dear god I would love for it to be the last. Creepy guy is now always texting me and trying to take me out for twilight strolls near the lake or at the cemetery (I'm especially bothered by that because I'm big on romantic dates at cemeteries and don't want that to get ruined). Also he tries to pick me up after work every night and take me home. And days when I don't feel like fighting about it, there's always an awkward moment when he drops me off and I think "this is the time he's finally gonna try to kiss me." So far not yet, but I almost wish he would hurry up so I could hate him openly and have that as an excuse. I plan to slap him across the face like heroines do in old movies.

I've been in a semi binge mode for a long time now and it's ramped up tremendously in the last week due to stress. So now my clothes aren't fitting right and I've lost the feeling of my hip bones and it is making me more stressed and exacerbating the problem. I'm off work for two days, maybe I can regroup and swing towards the middle or back to major restriction.

In an incredibly stupid move, I'm trying to break myself of the crush on the Boy by focusing on the hot new supervisor that got hired at work. And yeah, it looks even worse written down than it does in my head. I need to get out of this place, its ruining my life.

I hate boys, they're a pain

Went to my friend's house after work. Got drunk, then did yoga for an hour, then drank more and got high. Picked up a bunch of gossip that put some things into perspective. I already knew I was putting myself headlong into trouble by continuing to crush on the stupid Boy, but there's no turnoff like finding out he fucked the bitchiest supervisor at work. I mean really, ew. I need to just picture that in my head whenever I interact with him now so that I can get past this.

Also creepy guy is really visibly enamored of me to the point where other people are noticing. I've let him drive me home after work a couple of nights because I guess I choose that over being mugged again. Its shitty, but fuck if I know what else to do. And he got ahold of my phone number and has been texting me and asking to hang out, so I keep making plans every night with other people. And no matter how straight he keeps claiming to be (as though that's supposed to reassure me that he's not actually obsessed with me), straight boys just don't call other boys cute or adorable. I mean come on, really?

FML

PSA

Exactly 24 hours ago I got mugged while on my way to an all night convenience store. It was awful and terrifying and the guy kept saying he was gonna kill my friend and me. Apparently traveling in pairs is not enough to deter them anymore. Being a fast runner isn't really helpful either. We were very lucky in that all we lost was some cash, he didn't take our wallets or phones or injure us. Or worse. The vivid terrifying memory of running up the hill while hearing a large scary man pursuing and yelling at me not to run and that he thinks I'm pretty is gonna keep me sleepless for god knows how long.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to ask you ladies (and gents too) to be safe out in the world, there's a lot of fucked up people out there.

After being friends for five months, the Boy and I have actually made tentative plans to go out and get drunk together. I even invited him to crash at my place instead of trying to make it home after, he said that was really sweet and awesome. I was really really not smooth at offering, but he either didn't notice or didn't care.

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of something here, I wonder if I should turn back before I do something I might regret. Because it sounds very much like this is a little outing just for the two of us, and I know how I am when I'm intoxicated and I've heard stories about him. I get attached too easily already, I don't want to get my heart broken if we end up fucking and he doesn't feel the same as I do (I wish I could do the casual sex thing like everyone else, but it never works for me). But really, it's not solving anything for me to worry over it. I need to be a grown up and talk to him.

I'm trying very hard not to think about all the things I might confess to him if we're drunk. If I do, then this will never happen.

Attachment is dangerous

I've planned to move across the country next year, everyone knows and my friends there are excited for me to arrive. But I find myself settling in here finally after five years. I unpacked the last of my boxes a while ago and lately I've been rearranging and decorating. I'm even planning to get a cat. This settled down mind set scares me.

And that stupid Boy and his tight hugs where he holds me close and rubs my back. (He's sweeter when he's hung over and sick, he's not in such a hurry and unfocused.) When I told him months ago that I was making plans to move away he said "Don't leave me. I'll miss you." I haven't brought it up again, but I want to say "I think I love you, come have an adventure with me and we'll find out."

I've always just been able to load up the car and go. I'm scared of getting tied down to people and things.

I think today is the first time I've ever seriously considered offing myself. I've talked before about how I'd be better off dead, but tonight it got to the point where I was thinking about which of my options would most likely be successful. I'm not doing anything with it, but I was (am) thinking about it.

This has been the week from hell. I'm not sure exactly how it got like this, when last Friday I was happy and hopeful and smiling and laughing for the first time in a while. Yeah, work sucks and I have shitty friends and my parents are worthless, but its like it hit me all of a sudden that its always been like this and will probably always be like this. No matter how hard I try, I can't pull myself up and out of this pattern. Its not going to get better. I'm trapped. I don't know what to do, so for now I'm going to go back to bed and sleep for the third time today.

I found out about a free support group for people with EDs that's in my city. I'm thinking about trying it out. I've been unsuccessful in support group settings for other issues, but maybe this will be different.

Xoxo

I'm binging hardcore again. I ate a loaf of bread and a dozen homemade cookies when I got home from work. I didn't want to, but it happened anyway. Story of my life.

My "homework" from therapy this week is to get the Boy's phone number. Seeing as lately he calls out, shows up late, or doesn't show up at all for work, I'll be lucky to get it before they fire him. Our old manager let things slide, but the new manager is a stickler. It's 99% likely that if we don't work together I'll never see him again, whether I have his number or not. I'm terrible at keeping track of my friends.

I might finally get my cat this week. Then I'll have someone to snuggle with all the time. I'm sure this cat is gonna be a bratty, spoiled thing in short order.

I've not really had anything new to say lately. Mostly because I only come here to talk about my perceived fatness and how nobody will ever love me, etc. Olivia Lee's post a few weeks ago about negativity has been mulling about in my head for a while now, and consequently I've been trying to move past my tendency to spend a huge amount of my time bad mouthing myself online and in therapy. Its not easy, hating myself and everything around me has been my default for so long that it seems hard to find even one good thing in a day sometimes. But I am making an effort.

I'm finally training to cashier at work. I've been looking forward to the promotion for months now, but I've found out too late that it's actually lonely work being chained down to the little space behind the register. I miss the hugs the most, I think.

To cheer myself up today, I wore my skinniest jeans to work and admired how lean my legs looked in them whenever I saw my reflection. I felt it was a shame that the Boy didn't get to appreciate them on me, as I said goodbye while he said hello. I hope eventually I will get to see him for more than a minute, once or twice a week. This isn't working for me and he always looks so disappointed that my greetings are always goodbyes these days.

I hope I sleep the whole way through tonight and that you all do too. Xoxo

Its funny how "I will back off" apparently means "I'm going to stalk you and make you like me." I dunno about others, but when this tactic is used on me I just hate the person and hope they die. I hung around after my shift at work because I was waiting for my friend to get off, but creepy guy would just not leave me alone and kept trying to make plans with me and get me in his car. Aw hell no. I ended up leaving without saying goodbye to anyone because I was so upset and scared. I gave him more than enough of a chance to back off, its time to report his stupid ass to management.

My mom now officially knows about my ED. She was more shocked and horrified about it than I'd imagined, considering she goes shopping with me and knows how much of a label reader I am and seeing how she, in her own words, "can cut calories like nobody's business". Her attempts at talking to me about it are all based on segments she saw on Dr Oz and how she thinks I need to stop being vegan and everything will magically be fixed. After how I've fucked my digestive system up for years, me eating animal products sounds like a fine way for me to accidentally become mia.

I'm sleepy and on the verge of going to bed. I'm alone tonight so I don't know how I'll do. I slept really well last night with my friend, it was only for 4-5 hours but at least it was restful. I'm hoping that despite everything being so stressful today, I won't have nightmares about it.

I'm going to sleep at a friend's house tonight because I'm just a wreck and unable to sleep alone right now. I've gotten about 12 hours sleep total since Monday, every little thing is making me anxious now. She volunteered to let me stay over a few times a week until I can get things together. I hope I don't start screaming or hitting her in the middle of a terror.

I told the Boy I'm a mess, normally I wouldn't say anything but my filters are dead right now. Such a sweetheart about it, he hugged me close and said he hopes I can sleep tonight. I'm now reassured he doesn't hate me or think I'm creepy. Maybe someday he'll offer to watch out for me while I sleep.

That half a pound is still holding on but as long as I don't gain I am relatively ok with it for now.

This morning I woke up completely freaked out from a nightmare about being stuck at work, stalked by the creepy coworker, and having my best friend fuck the Boy just to spite me. It was a fucking awful way to start my day. The friend in question had sent a text that was what woke me up, and so I proceeded to panic all over her for a minute about this awful thing while she reassured me that she loves me and that it was unlikely the creepy guy would stalk and murder me.

I was able to go about my day normally until the creep showed up at work just to ask me to go out to a show with him later. I told him no and then spent the rest of the night and the walk home in terror that part of my nightmare was about to become reality. That whole thing where he promised to back the fuck off is apparently not happening anymore. Shit.

Now I'm second guessing myself about the times I've dropped by the store on my day off to say hi to the Boy. Even though when he sees me his face lights up and he runs over to hug me tightly and asks me how my day went and says he's glad to see me. I'm terrified that I'm actually a creep and the Boy hates me and I don't see it. I feel like there's no way in the world someone could actually want me around.

Yesterday I was 156.5. Today I was pretty much unable to eat because I was so nauseous from anxiety. I think tomorrow may finally be the day I cross off another goal. I need some good news.

Today I've had 6 cups of coffee and a bag of potato chips. I don't want to eat anything else. I weighed 160.3 yesterday, I didn't have time to check before work and eating today, but I hope it goes down.

My friend found out about my crush on the boy. He's been friends with the boy for 6 years but wouldn't spill any useful info. I guess he's good at keeping secrets after all. I told him not to tell mine, I hope he keeps it. I told him about my ED too for some stupid reason. I fail at keeping my own secrets anymore.

Tarot says I need to love myself before anyone else will really love me. That's so unlikely, and I don't want to be alone.

Oh stupid me, going through his line to buy my binge foods after work. And then saying I planned to eat the ice cream and cookies for dinner and making jokes about how fat I am. He just looked horrified and completely out of his depth and touched my arm gently and said "Um, well, have a good night, ok?"

I ruin everything ever.

So for whatever reason, since Valentine's Day the boy has decided its now ok to hug me. For the last four months he's never even touched me, so I'm confused by the long, lingering hugs that are happening now. Its totally not fair to tease me like this, sweetheart. It keeps me up at night thinking about how your shoulder blades feel through your shirt.

He told me he wishes he weighed more, said that the weight I'm at is his goal. I laughed and told him I'd gladly give him the 20 lbs difference. He didn't laugh, he looked like what I said scared him. He thinks I'm pretty and says I'm rad. Its sweet, I hope the hugs aren't just sympathy.

I keep typing out drafts of posts and then deleting them because hello, nothing is ever good/interesting/perfect enough for me. So here's some things that have happened recently in case you were curious:

--I didn't account for the fact that being mostly sober and losing weight means I get drunk much faster/easier than I think I will. I lost track of an hour somewhere last night, but I made it home safe because apparently I have friends who actually give a shit about me.

--My stalker situation has supposedly calmed down although now it's being strongly implied that I'm supposed to feel bad for "misunderstanding" him. And that is just so much bullshit. I am the one who was made to feel intensely uncomfortable and unsafe, people shouldn't be coming to me after the fact and saying my feelings are invalid.

--I really want/need to break up with my fake boyfriend. I am about up to my eyeballs in lies now, and I need to do something before it unravels and people find out that I am just a bunch of secrets and bullshit. Except now everyone is treating me a lot better because they don't think I'm a freaky weird loner anymore. Fuck fuck fuck.

--I am sick of people saying that I'm shy. I'm actually not shy, I just hate most people and I'm intensely critical. I know from experience that letting in the few people I don't hate is intensely dangerous, so I just don't bother much anymore.

Trying to recover some semblance of normal function after being in the grip of massive anxiety all day. I had been pressured into making plans to hang out with the coworker guy, and due to my inability to do anything at all today I flaked without any explanation. I'm trying to come up with a suitable lie to explain my absence, probably something about having a migraine (I do get them so this is a viable excuse that doesn't involve me talking about my mental health issues).

I looked at thinspo on tumblr and tried to focus on being happy about having bought smaller jeans last week because all the ones I owned were too big. Its helping a little. They make my legs look thinner. I haven't weighed myself or recorded my calories lately, it gives me an easy out when I see my therapist and she asks about restriction or the scale. I can do it all in my head at this point anyway, although the lack of accurate weight checking every morning is difficult.

Stay strong xo

Figured out how much you have to push to get the medication to feel like its not doing a damn thing. Its not as much of a buffer as I'd hoped. For about a week now I've been unable to sleep or get out of bed, constantly binging, and having rough mood swings. Today I bumped up my dose since technically I am at the low end right now, and the notes my psych gave me said I was allowed to up it at my discretion until I hit a certain threshold.

My biggest stressor has stopped being money/bills (I'm back on partial unemployment for the moment), and instead I'm now completely upset about unwanted crushes. I have massive trust issues and a history of abuse. If I can ever manage to have a successful relationship it will be a fucking miracle. The coworker I mentioned a couple entries ago is now showing definite signs of being smitten with me and while he's a cool friend, a friend is all he is to me. I wish I was able to just lay things like that out in conversation, but I'm awkward as fuck and a stupid part of me likes the attention.

Sometimes I think about how much simpler my life was when I was a bloated whale and everyone left me alone.

My stupid traitorous stomach

So I'm a terrible liar in therapy and when pushed admitted I was back to restricting. Then my stomach just started being noisy as if admitting verbally was not enough. Fuck.

I guess I'm visibly getting thinner although I personally can't see it at all. My friend asked me today if I had lost weight, he said I'm smaller. Then he started fishing. He asked me if I'm doing coke or pills to kill my appetite. I wanted to say oh honey, if it was only that simple. Because that would mean at some point I could decide it was enough and stop.

This morning I weighed 158. I'm almost 50 down from my highest weight, and just another 45 until I hit my goal. Its crazy when I frame out those kind of numbers in my head. Its rather a shame that this is the only thing I excell at, I can't even imagine what I could accomplish if I could put this much focus into my art.

I'm hoping that if I finally get this out I can go to sleep instead of silently agonizing over it all night.

I feel like my bare minimum standards for dating should consist of more than
a) is mostly nice to me and
b) doesn't seem to want to beat the shit out of me.

My ideals of course include things about looks and shared interests and the possibilities of a future together. What happens in reality though is that I'm so starved for kindness and affection that showing a little bit of interest in my life and maybe some gentle hugs or other innocuous touches will make me throw everything out the window if I'm wanted. Now I'm sure there's plenty of genuinely sweet guys out there, but I have had some shit luck with the ones who like to take advantage of the fucked up boys like me.

So when I feel like a coworker is probably showing a special interest in me and yeah ok he's not at all my type, I'll sit around all evening after work and think about how yeah I guess if he keeps being nice to me I could let him fuck me if he wants. Not because I really want to, but because its better than being alone.

excuse me while I throw out all of my skinny jeans

Clearing out my email inbox lead me to a horrifying thing I had forgotten about: pics of me from a vacation I took with my best friend last year. There were a couple of full body candids she'd snapped of me while I was getting ready in the hotel one morning. I just, I don't even know, but I look like even more of a huge fucking cow than I ever seemed to in the mirror. I'm so grateful that she never uses her facebook for posting photos because I don't want these to be all over the internet. When I came home from that trip, everyone started asking me about my weight loss. If I was looking like that and people were saying I was thin, just how bad did I look in the months prior?

Scale said 158.6 this morning. I wonder if I can make my next goal weight before the week is up. It's probably too much to hope for.

160.9

I finally faced the scale this morning. And instead of the 5+ pounds I'd expected to have gained, I'm only one up from where I was 2 months ago when all my difficulties began. Holy shit. I am ridiculously happy despite the fact that this number is still high compared to where I want to be.

I feel like the meds are really kicking in now, restricting has become effortless again. The only major side effect I've noticed is that I'm having crazy vivid dreams at night. But I'm not feeling ragey or super depressed at work anymore, and that's such a huge difference. I will take all the weird, fucked up dreams in the world to not feel like I want to commit bodily injury on people or eat everything in sight.

Now I just need to find a way to phrase my success to my doctors and therapist so they'll allow me to continue taking it and not switch me to something else that will make me gain weight again.

For whatever reason, mobile Blogger isn't working on my phone. I can still post entries and approve comments but I can't go on the site and reply to things or look at everyone else's posts when I'm out and about. I hope they fix this soon.

My clothes are fitting better again, the binging seems to have calmed down for the moment. I think the medication is finally kicking in. I also haven't been so ragey lately. I'm really pleased with this. I might even be able to weigh myself before the weekend is over and see how much damage I did in the last month.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, ladies and gents. Stay safe. Xoxo

I'm almost a week into the medication and so far I'm not really noticing any changes. Although in the mornings when my alarm goes off I actually seem to be able to wake up and get up, rather than my usual feeling that I have become permanently attached to the mattress. But I am unsure at this point if this is due to meds or because I'm trying to have a regular-ish bedtime routine.

This morning I had my first therapy appointment since the holiday break. Mostly I just went on about my problems at work and with my family and avoided the subject of eating for the entire hour. I don't want to talk with her about it right now. Or ever. But I can't exactly just up and quit going right now because of all this other shit I've got going on that I can't handle. I need help, but I need it on my own terms or I'll end up quitting my entire treatment program without warning like I did two years ago. It didn't help that time, and in fact I think that's part of why I'm such an absolute wreck right now.

Also today I did the very adult thing of signing up for a service that helps track spending and budget your money. So as I had figured, most of my money goes to rent and then another large chunk goes to medical bills, then it trickles down to other bills from there. The only bit of money that regularly gets to be for me is for cigarettes, and I've even had to cut down significantly on that one remaining pleasure. At my current rate I can never afford to retire, so it looks like having a reduced lifespan will actually be a benefit for once. It's been a very cynical sort of day today.

A couple of links

I emailed these to myself and then forgot and let them rot in my inbox for a while. Basically it's two opposing viewpoints on nutrition, calorie counting and weight loss. Personally I hope the professor with the Twinkies has it right.

Twinkie diet helps nutrition professor lose 27 pounds

Twinkies. Nutty bars. Powdered donuts.

For 10 weeks, Mark Haub, a professor of human nutrition at Kansas State University, ate one of these sugary cakelets every three hours, instead of meals. To add variety in his steady stream of Hostess and Little Debbie snacks, Haub munched on Doritos chips, sugary cereals and Oreos, too.

His premise: That in weight loss, pure calorie counting is what matters most -- not the nutritional value of the food.

Why Calorie Counts Are Wrong: Cooked Food Provides a Lot More Energy

Whether we are talking about plants or meat, eating cooked food provides more calories than eating the same food raw. And that means that the calorie counts we’ve grown so used to consulting are routinely wrong.

I'm so tired and frustrated. My rent was due yesterday and I don't have the money. I haven't even been spending the money on frivolous things, it's all gone to medical bills and public transportation. At least food is not an issue (har har) since I was approved for food stamps last year.

Met with the psychiatrist yesterday. I've been so completely depressed and anxiety ridden lately that I didn't even fight against the idea of long term meds this time. I just told her I wouldn't take anything that was going to make me fat. Supposedly this one won't make me gain a lot because if it does I will stop and tell her we have to try something else. My googling on the subject gives conflicted results in the studies where they've used it on persons with EDs, it seems some of the patients lost more weight during treatment. I would guess that when the depression lifted the binging was easier to control. I hope I am one of those people.

I went to a Target pharmacy to fill my new prescription since $4 generics are the only thing remotely in my budget. But after all the stress of the morning, I spent my time waiting for them to fill the prescription by picking out binge foods in the grocery department. A can of frosting and 2 large bags of chips were involved. I woke up this morning feeling so gross.

I hope you all are having better luck than I am. xoxo

I got my latest review at work. I was told I have a negative attitude. Yeah, no shit. Hate the job, work with idiots, bitchy customers, constantly being triggered by the smell of food. Its a wonder I haven't punched someone yet.

I'm thinking about trying out the master cleanse thing next week. I don't think I can possibly get any grouchier, so its the perfect time to do a serious fast. And also they've expanded the yoga classes offered through my work's fitness club so I'm gonna try working that into my schedule as well. They weighed me at the doctor's office last week and accounting for shoes and clothes, its not as bad as I'd thought. I'm still too nervous to get on my own scale for a real result, I know already I will end up crying about it.

Thank god the holidays are over, maybe now I can get back to doing what I'm good at.

Don't let the motherfuckers get you down. Xoxo