This afternoon I carefully ordered the delicious birthday cake for my party that I don't plan to eat at. I wish I didn't even have to attend it because its at a restaurant. How fucked up is that? My friends are all coming. I wish they weren't. I want to be invisible.
The boy said many complimentary things about my appearance when I dropped by work to pick up my schedule. He apparently thinks I'm a "fucking badass" due to the latest incarnation of my look and the two middle fingers it seems to represent to society's norms. He very obviously wants into my pants. But its Friday night and instead of calling me, he's out fucking some skanks. Because he's a fucking coward and into labels and is terrified of people thinking he likes a boy.
I like to say he's relatively normal but actually he's incredibly fucked up, and that puts my savior complex into overdrive because I am just that stupid that I think I can personally save everyone. The truth is they don't want to be saved, they want to drag you down to their level. As my therapist would probably (rightly) mention, I can't even save myself from myself so why do I think I can save the world?
And yet here I am, depressed so badly that I binged twice tonight. Because however much I try to talk myself out of it, I want him, badly.
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