Lab results came back from the blood work my doctor ordered. I'm vitamin d deficient and my white blood cell count is low. They put me on mega strength vit d supplements. And also I'm on antibiotics for an infection that popped up this week. Loss of appetite is a common side effect for both, and I'm definitely feeling it. Which I'm pretty sure defeats their whole agenda, but I'm not complaining.

All my friends are out of town for the holidays or have moved away. So I'm bored and more than a little depressed and lonely. I tried drinking last night but that just made me more upset and I ended up having horrific nightmares and then woke up in a panic because I'd stopped breathing. Fucked up my whole day because the images keep running through my mind. I was trying to save the boy from a bad situation and didn't make it in time, so even though it wasn't reality I'm all worked up and worried about it and he's not working tonight so I can't see him and be reassured that he's ok. Its stupid, but that's how my brain works.

Today has been the first good day I've had in a while. It helps that yesterday I accidentally poisoned myself with some jelly that had been in the fridge for apparently too long. I spent the day bringing up what seemed to be everything I'd eaten for the week. I was only able to manage crackers and carbonated beverages today. Small victories.

I haven't weighed myself in over 2 weeks. My clothes don't fit right at all, they're not exactly tight, but they aren't hanging off me anymore. I'm hoping that today is the start of me seriously getting back into restricting, its been incredibly hard to stick with lately. Fortunately my therapist is off for the holidays, and not seeing her has taken the pressure off a bit. Still haven't been back to the doctor to get my blood work results, although they've been leaving me voice mails telling me to make an appointment.

I can't sleep. I'm staying with family for Christmas and the unfamiliar bed situation keeps me up. It wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't in the room alone, I find it very easy to fall asleep with someone next to me.

I'm nervous for tomorrow, this part of my family tends to spend the holidays eating to disgusting excess. I just want to pick at things and drink and smoke a lot of cigarettes without people questioning my behavior.

Merry Christmas, stay safe out there xo

Gerard Way as quoted in NME Oct 2006:

"I don't get naked. You'll never see me with my top off onstage. You never see my arms out even, because I used to be fat. I found out when I first lost a lot of weight that I could move really fast--I didn't get tired. Stairs weren't a problem. I felt very healthy. That's the ultimate outsider--the fat kid. You got a lot of things going against you: girls aren't interested in you, you don't fit in and you're always easy to make fun of. To go from that to what I am now...it's interesting 'cos you still retain a lot of the mental idiosyncrasies that developed during that period. For example, I'm still bad with girls because I was never good at it--I never got the chance. They'll never go away those insecurities, I could be 98 pounds and they'd still be there."

It's been a rough week. My therapist made me go to the doctor who is now making me go to a psychiatrist. Great. The one good thing is that in the bloodwork that she ordered, my doc mentioned that I've had highish thyroid levels in my last panel so she's checking it again. If that was really my issue, it would explain the depression, skin problems, and inability to really lose weight despite everything I've tried. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for hypothyroidism.

Work holiday party last week was fine and then it wasn't. I saw my friend being all happy and lovey with her new girlfriend and it upset me. Then the boy was drunk as fuck and still didn't try to make a move on me. I left early and went home and ate and hated myself.

Speaking of eating, I've been depressed and eating like crazy and it's so gross and my clothes are getting tight again. This needs to stop but when I'm unhappy it's ridiculously hard for me to stay in control, even though I can see and feel how fat I'm getting, which just ends up making me more depressed and I eat more to punish myself. I fucking hate it. I haven't weighed myself since Wednesday because last I checked I'd gained 4 pounds and I know it's gone up even more and I'm scared to face it.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, I'm afraid of everyone seeing me getting fatter.

Sugar, we're going down

This afternoon I carefully ordered the delicious birthday cake for my party that I don't plan to eat at. I wish I didn't even have to attend it because its at a restaurant. How fucked up is that? My friends are all coming. I wish they weren't. I want to be invisible.

The boy said many complimentary things about my appearance when I dropped by work to pick up my schedule. He apparently thinks I'm a "fucking badass" due to the latest incarnation of my look and the two middle fingers it seems to represent to society's norms. He very obviously wants into my pants. But its Friday night and instead of calling me, he's out fucking some skanks. Because he's a fucking coward and into labels and is terrified of people thinking he likes a boy.

I like to say he's relatively normal but actually he's incredibly fucked up, and that puts my savior complex into overdrive because I am just that stupid that I think I can personally save everyone. The truth is they don't want to be saved, they want to drag you down to their level. As my therapist would probably (rightly) mention, I can't even save myself from myself so why do I think I can save the world?

And yet here I am, depressed so badly that I binged twice tonight. Because however much I try to talk myself out of it, I want him, badly.

Therapy yesterday was exciting. Only not. I managed to not talk about food until the end when she brought it up. And now I'm supposed to make an appointment with my doctor for lab work. I fucking hate needles and I've avoided going for a year and a half. But the therapist is convinced my health is gonna show up all wonky and somehow prove something. I know the risks, I don't see how numbers showing damage will change my mind about anything.

Oh and she wants me to throw out my scale. Hahaha, no.

Managed to get my head right by going for some retail therapy. Including a make over by a really friendly makeup artist for my favorite cosmetic line. Being told how fierce and hot I am by a random stranger who fixed my face always makes the day better.

Oh and I am definitely a size small in shirts now. The one I bought the other day was not a fluke. Just a little bit more work and I should drop nicely into the XS category. I have never been this size in my entire adult life. Progress!

Despite my improved mood I sort of binged when I got home, but I hadn't had anything besides diet soda all day and I still came in under my limit. I did a lot of walking around the city so I got in a nice bit of exercise to offset the calories I did eat. Hopefully the scale will reflect my efforts this week. I've still got so far to go.