Today is a bad day

I told my secret to a friend of mine last night. She didn't judge me, she just hugged me and we chain smoked and talked and she swore to never tell anyone. I know she's good at keeping secrets, that's why I felt ok with talking to her about what's been going on.

Today I'm at work and I just feel sick to my stomach with depression and loneliness. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok and I lie and say I'm just kinda tired. I don't think they believe me.

The boy I like at work is so nice to me and I was a jerk to him last night and I feel bad about it but he hasn't acted like he's mad at me. I want him to be mad at me. I want to sabotage it before he can get close because that's what I always do. I hate being alone but I know I'm too much drama to inflict on someone who would care.

Today is a bad day. Today I wish I would drop dead.