Despite how much I get annoyed by it, I'm glad most days for how young I look. I want to leave a pretty corpse when I go. I've always figured I'd never make it to 50 and at the rate I'm going I'll be lucky to make that. And I don't mean suicide, I will most likely drop dead of organ failure.
That means I've now lived over half my life.
I should be scared, I should want to live. Instead I'm just so tired of living in this fucked up body that knowing I've only got a little longer to go is such a relief. But the fact that I'm effectively middle aged makes me hesitant to do so many things that my peers willingly dive right into.
I would love to be in a real, committed relationship and maybe even adopt some kids. But its so selfish to start a family when I know full well I'm not going to grow old with my partner or see the kids graduate. I can't stand the thought of disappointing even more people that I love by choosing my sickness over them.
It would be so nice to get a small taste of real love, but to protect myself and others I know I must remain alone and separate.
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