I accidentally fasted all day until around 9pm. At that point I was hurting and instead of eating the sensible things I'd packed for eating at work, I got pizza. It was just one slice but afterwards I had this intense feeling to purge. I never purge, even after huge binges. I didn't, but the rest of my shift I felt so nauseous and people kept asking if I was alright. I wanted to say "fuck no, you fucking asshole, I am very much not ok!" but I didn't.

Then I came home and ate so much food I'm terrified to even think of it. I don't even know what I ate, I was in that zoned out autopilot mode where I stuffed myself mindlessly, attempting to fill whatever this emptiness is inside me. Now I just feel fat and worthless and sad.

My whole day was off after the mess that was yesterday. I wore my baggy clothes that hide everything. The pants used to be tight on me, now they're falling off even with the belt on its tightest cinch. I was half glad that the boy switched shifts so I didn't have to see him, and half crazy because oh god I just wanted to look at his face and I was disappointed at the unexpected lack of him. I'm heart sick and brain sick and please someone take me out behind the shed and put me out of my misery.

Therapy appointment early in the morning and then a full shift at work. Can I just sleep in and call the whole day off instead? I can't handle it.