I hate how triggering this job is. My last job I could go all day without eating and not even notice. Now all I think about is food food food. Disgusting nasty food.

I can't stand to spend my lunch in the break room with everyone else, so I go outside and smoke and slowly spoon baby food out of a jar and eat it so I don't pass out. Then invariably some idiot I work with comes out for a cig and sees me with that unmistakably shaped jar and gives me the side eye the whole time they're out there. Fuck you, I have to eat something and this food is safe. Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My jeans really are disgustingly tight after this weekend. I look like I'm a fat ugly idiot who doesn't know what size he wears. I still am too scared to get on the scale. If I see the numbers jump it will make it more real than just seeing how the clothes fit. And I've been having such a hard time already getting it down because I've been binging so much since I've been so upset about everything. I ruined all my own hard work.

I wish it could be the way it was a few months ago when I was so careful and so secret and the weight was dropping off like crazy. Now every fraction of a pound is a struggle, every day where I can keep to the plan is a huge victory. I want it to go back to being easy and being my own special secret.

Therapy is a go this week after all. I'm an adult and nobody is forcing me to go, I don't understand why I still subject myself to it. It just makes everything worse.

Stayed at my mom's house this weekend. Now my pants are tight from eating carefully but being unable to restrict or smoke much. Fuck. So upset. I think I gained 5 pounds in 3 days.

The one good thing is that my mom for whatever reason does not think its strange that my grocery shopping mostly consists of baby food. So restricting like crazy for the next couple weeks to get back down will be dead easy since everything is safe and premeasured and ready to eat. But I still want to cry because I am so fat. I'm scared to weigh myself.

No therapy this week either which should help keep me from being upset and binging.

Think thin thin thin. :/

Somehow I ended up inviting some of my coworkers over for drinks and snacks after work tonight. I hate people, what the actual fuck. I hate people and I don't want them in my house. I don't even know.

It turned out ok, I suppose. My fast today meant that one beer had me completely dizzy and fucked. And then it was awkward because I wasn't eating like everyone else and finally I was like "hello everyone, I have an eating disorder" because apparently I'm sharing this with everyone now. So now that's out there. Ugh.

And then when everyone left I ate a bunch of the stupid leftover snacks (I did toss a few things into the trash before I completely lost my willpower at least). Now I feel gross and angry because why did I ruin today with food? But I walked 4 miles, cleaned like a madman tonight before everyone got here, and was on my feet for 8 hours at work today. I'm hoping it all evens out and at least won't turn into a gain.

Pretty sure I kicked into ketosis for most of the day, which is always nice. I could, y'know, smell that weird off, sweetish sort of smell in the bathroom. Now if only I could make it happen more often.

Better day tomorrow, please and thanks. :/

Fasting today, but the daytime is always easy. Its the nights at home with the pantry that fuck me up.

Horrible bad caffeine withdrawal headache right now. I could've had coffee or some coke zero this morning but I was stupid and had apple juice instead. So between that and the faintness from no food I kinda want to collapse somewhere forever.

Put on my jeans this morning and it looked like one of those diet commercials with the giant pants. Definitely need to get a new pair this weekend. Don't really have money for it but this looks sloppy like this and I hate it.

I need to keep thinking thin thoughts and resist the food at home. Or throw it away again. :/

Every day is a bad day here

Three hours late to work today because why do you even think its ok to schedule me for a midnight close and a 7:30am shift? Its not ok and I couldn't sleep and then when I did pass out I slept through all 3 of the alarms I set. Upon arrival at work my boy high fived me because he was two hours late and we were like a special pair of idiots or something.

So it started off bad and then I had to deal with all these idiots buying ridiculous amounts of food and smell everything and I was alone for the holiday once work was over so guess who came home and ate everything ever. Yeah, me. And then later on facebook a bunch of people said "omg I didn't know you'd be alone, you could've come over!" I wish someone would've invited me sooner because it would've kept me from binging since I'm vegan and couldn't have eaten any of their food anyway, but I could've pretended to.

I'm so mad at myself, I finally got so close to my next GW and then fucked it all to hell today. I bet in the morning I'm up 5 pounds.

This job has completely fucked my ability to schedule my life in a way that works. I need to stop eating after 7pm again and I need need need to start restricting to 600 or less cals a day. That's the only time I feel ok and in control.

The work clothes my mom bought me last month and all of my tight jeans are literally hanging off of me. You'd think it would be helping, but I hate how everything looks on me and I'm going to attempt to shrink them on laundry day. I hate how only parts of me are skinny and the other parts are still grotesquely fat. Why can't I lose weight in any sort of uniform manner?

Fuck everything, tomorrow I will juice fast or die trying.

Looking at thinspo on my break because fuck working in a grocery store with a hot bar and smelling food cooking all day.

I hate the holidays. I hate how much food people eat during this particular holiday. I hate how much food I'm expected to eat at people's gatherings for this holiday. Its fucking gross and I gained a pound this week which makes me want to die.

This stupid boy makes me sad because I can never never have him and even if I by some miracle I do he's gonna worry about what I'm doing. I like my ribs, I like feeling them. Normal boys don't. I don't want to make him sad too.

Everything hurts today.

Nauseous. Can't tell if its from caffeine on an empty stomach or from being so frustrated I could break someone's face. Work should be interesting today.

I accidentally fasted all day until around 9pm. At that point I was hurting and instead of eating the sensible things I'd packed for eating at work, I got pizza. It was just one slice but afterwards I had this intense feeling to purge. I never purge, even after huge binges. I didn't, but the rest of my shift I felt so nauseous and people kept asking if I was alright. I wanted to say "fuck no, you fucking asshole, I am very much not ok!" but I didn't.

Then I came home and ate so much food I'm terrified to even think of it. I don't even know what I ate, I was in that zoned out autopilot mode where I stuffed myself mindlessly, attempting to fill whatever this emptiness is inside me. Now I just feel fat and worthless and sad.

My whole day was off after the mess that was yesterday. I wore my baggy clothes that hide everything. The pants used to be tight on me, now they're falling off even with the belt on its tightest cinch. I was half glad that the boy switched shifts so I didn't have to see him, and half crazy because oh god I just wanted to look at his face and I was disappointed at the unexpected lack of him. I'm heart sick and brain sick and please someone take me out behind the shed and put me out of my misery.

Therapy appointment early in the morning and then a full shift at work. Can I just sleep in and call the whole day off instead? I can't handle it.

The friend I confessed to the other day was like a test run for what might happen when I told my best friend. I figured it would be really cathartic, so I came clean to her while we were out shopping today. Instead, it ended up that she dumped her own ED confession right back on me so I didn't get to say really any of the things I was dying to say. And then I came home, felt like a sorry failure and binged. Despite the fact that tonight, for the first time in my adult life, I bought a shirt in a size small and it fit.

Then the guy I like added me on fb and I went through his pics and got to see him macking on a lot of skanky, skinny girls. Because as usual, the boys I fall for are straight. I'm a rather androgynous looking guy with a high voice who dresses like a fashionista, apparently this just screams out GIRL rather than GAY, so everything's great until they find out I'm a man. Which it says right on my profile.

I know the shirt is most likely still gonna fit in the morning, but I probably won't be able to wear it tomorrow because in the mirror I will think I look fat in it.

I wish didn't already know I will be spending my birthday alone again this year. But I will and I'm trying to be okay with it.

Today, excluding my current moroseness, was better. The boy even said nice things about my appearance (thank fucking god I was thinner this morning). But some upsetting things happened at the end of my shift and I came home and binged grotesquely and now I'm terrified about my impending morning weigh in. I'm so angry at myself, I've been doing really well at not eating. Ugh.

Maybe I can manage a liquid fast tomorrow, despite having to work. And the object of my desire is off work so I can wear dumpy clothes and feel sorry for myself all day. It all depends on what the scale has to tell me at 8am.

Today is a bad day

I told my secret to a friend of mine last night. She didn't judge me, she just hugged me and we chain smoked and talked and she swore to never tell anyone. I know she's good at keeping secrets, that's why I felt ok with talking to her about what's been going on.

Today I'm at work and I just feel sick to my stomach with depression and loneliness. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok and I lie and say I'm just kinda tired. I don't think they believe me.

The boy I like at work is so nice to me and I was a jerk to him last night and I feel bad about it but he hasn't acted like he's mad at me. I want him to be mad at me. I want to sabotage it before he can get close because that's what I always do. I hate being alone but I know I'm too much drama to inflict on someone who would care.

Today is a bad day. Today I wish I would drop dead.

I've been in therapy for a long time now because of my depression problems. So its not like I feel its a terribly good idea to just stop going right now. But today I just ran myself further into the ground when I ended up correcting her about her misconception that I am purely a binge eater. I got really defensive and told her that the binges are just in response to fucking up because really I just don't want to eat. Apparently not wanting to eat is worse than whatever she thought I was doing. Oops. And she says my eyes light up when I talk about how generally I'm good at what I do. Also oops.

The one thing I've ever been truly passionate about is not my art or my music, but my love affair with this thing. And its going to make me dead.

Flunking out of art school was due in large part to restricting so much that I didn't have the energy to leave the house. The last time I went to any of my classes ended with me in the bathroom purging out my guts from stress and self loathing. Earlier that week I'd nearly passed out in another class because I'd been fasting and forcing myself to walk instead of taking the bus.

By all rights, I should want to recover and stop all this and channel my perfectionism into something else. But all I can think of is that I would just be a fat, ugly failure if I did. Honestly, I'd rather be dead and pretty.

Went grocery shopping today (yesterday, whatever, its still today for me). I did really well on choosing things and only bought safe foods. It helped that my mom was running errands with me, she's on a "clean" diet right now (and was ana for most of my childhood) and so is very helpful at choosing low cal, organic, vegan foods and discouraging junk food. She's either oblivious or approving of what's going on with me.

The thing that sucks is now the cupboard and fridge look so full and its freaking me out. I felt safer when there was almost no food in the house. Although if I can manage to binge myself fat on kale and carrots I think I will deserve my fate. And an award.

Despite temptations everywhere all day, the only actual food I ate besides some sliced cucumber for lunch was dinner at a restaurant with my mom. When I got everything put away tonight, I did spend a long stretch of time staring at the food stacked up in the cupboard and reading the labels but I left all the seals intact and now I'm about to pass out. Success.

Therapy appointment in the morning. I don't even know. I'm scared.

Stay strong, keep smiling. Xoxo

A life compressed

Despite how much I get annoyed by it, I'm glad most days for how young I look. I want to leave a pretty corpse when I go. I've always figured I'd never make it to 50 and at the rate I'm going I'll be lucky to make that. And I don't mean suicide, I will most likely drop dead of organ failure.

That means I've now lived over half my life.

I should be scared, I should want to live. Instead I'm just so tired of living in this fucked up body that knowing I've only got a little longer to go is such a relief. But the fact that I'm effectively middle aged makes me hesitant to do so many things that my peers willingly dive right into.

I would love to be in a real, committed relationship and maybe even adopt some kids. But its so selfish to start a family when I know full well I'm not going to grow old with my partner or see the kids graduate. I can't stand the thought of disappointing even more people that I love by choosing my sickness over them.

It would be so nice to get a small taste of real love, but to protect myself and others I know I must remain alone and separate.

I hate that my thighs touch. So gross.

The fasting has gone well today. The caffeine is really keeping me going. I'm off work the next couple days so I'm nervous that not running around at work plus being home where there's food will be problematic. But I have a lot of cleaning to do so hopefully I can keep burning and mostly just drink coffee.

People at work are beginning to suspect something. They're always offering me parts of their pastries and are getting suspicious of never seeing me eat on my breaks. Fuck fuck fuck.

Keep the faith. Xoxo

Today was better, fasted all day, had a little food when I got home from work. I thought that walk home was going to kill me but it didn't. Caffeine is definitely the piece that has been missing for me lately. A sugar free rockstar will keep me going for hours.

Googling one of my favorite stars for thinspo tonight lead me to some info that is both frustrating and a bit heartening. He's still 10 pounds lighter than me, but I was right in guessing he's in the ED club to some extent. Praying tomorrow's fast will be even better and I can restrain myself by immediately going to bed when I get home.

Think thin, boys and girls.

and the punchline to the joke is asking, someone save us

I hate hate hate that I will do so well on restricting all day and feel that dizzy perfect emptiness on the walk home from work, and then derail like a madman within 15 mins of getting inside the house. This is the 4th day in a row that I have ended with a stupid fucking binge and I know in the morning I will be fat fat fat.

Having somebody else know about this.... it's fucking with my head and making it so hard to control. I'm second guessing myself all over the place now instead of following through with my daily plans. I'm even more paranoid now about people seeing me eat. I feel like they must see my secret written all over my stupid face.

Making myself promise that it will be a good day when I get up in the morning and I will stick to the plan I'm writing out before bed. I just need to drink way more water and chew gum whenever I think of food.

Today was supposed to be a juice fast day and then around 6 I decided soup was sort of a liquid and then it snowballed into me eating through half a pack of rice cakes. So it wasn't the perfect 300 calorie day I had planned for myself, but I haven't clocked in at less than 1000 in over a week so I'm counting it as sort of a win. And I used the energy boost to get in some exercise.

Didn't weigh myself this morning, felt too disgusting after yesterday's binge.

The book my therapist gave me as homework just makes me feel hopeless and hungry. I ended up putting it away and instead spent the morning in bed looking at thinspo on my phone. Which I promised I was going to stop but really now, I can't be trusted to do anything but lie.

I have an eating disorder

Today I spilled my most carefully guarded secret during a regular therapy session. I'm not even sure how that happened, one moment I was discussing some difficulties I was dealing with at my new job and then by the end of the hour I was sobbing and officially diagnosed as having an eating disorder.

I was under the impression that maybe talking about it would help me to not binge today, and at first I was very good and went out and had a small latte afterwards and made a sensible, healthy dinner and stayed within my calorie range for the day (1000). I even read a couple chapters of the book my therapist loaned me. And then a little later, despite not feeling hungry at all, I felt that familiar compulsion to go into the kitchen and cobble together some ridiculous fattening thing and consume until it hurt. And I did. That's the second time in two days and I'm terrified of how my morning weigh in will go. I was already planning a fasting day since I'm off work, but it was supposed to be one to get more weight off, not to deal with a fuck up.

The only good thing about today is that my therapist isn't going to force me into the hospital at the current time. But I honestly think it's only because she knows that I don't have health insurance right now.