Hello

It's been a long time, a little over 10 years since I last posted here. But I occasionally log in to the account to make sure it doesn't get deleted and for some reason I felt like posting something today. A sort of epilogue, I guess, but not really since I'm still going on somehow. But I thought it might be nice to say something in case the few people who I used to interact with here are also still going on and wonder what happened to me.

I haven't had any kind of magical recovery from my disorder, I'm always seesawing between it being active or in remission. I suppose I have accepted that this is just always going to be part of who I am, although I really do wonder what my life would've been like without it. I expect that someday the collective damage it has caused me will be what ends me.

When I logged in today I looked back at the last few posts I made, which was a bittersweet thing. I thought I was so happy with that guy, but that was actually the beginning of many miserable years for me. I still am not the same after all of that. I wish we had never met. And at the same time I wish we were still together. I guess I really am just drawn to things that destroy me.

Maybe I will drop by again some other day, to give a sign of life. But this is enough for now.

So somehow I ended up drunkenly telling the guy I like that he resembles Robert Downey Jr, which lead to us making out in my kitchen for an hour. Which means that oh my god, I don't have to turn 30 without having been kissed, and I'm relieved and I don't mean that sarcastically.

He said a lot of nice things that I'm not sure if he really meant or if he was trying just to get in my pants. (Which no, not tonight. Baby steps.) But all the same there's nothing like being told you're beautiful and wonderful and special.

The major problem is that we work together and people are gossipy as fuck so I really don't want anyone to know we hang out regularly. Because they will turn it into something it isn't. However, basically my entire friend circle is made up of people from work, and I have to really watch my mouth from now on.

Anyway, basically my evening was awesome and I can deal with the other stuff as it happens. And I hope other people who may read this are having nice things happen to them. <3

I have been on the all alcohol and occasional noodles version of whatever it is I'm doing these days that passes for nourishing myself. When I was off work yesterday, I tried to be good and make rice and vegetables. Which was apparently a terrible idea because it has lead to the worst stomach cramps and pains I've had in a while. Like crying and unable to sleep at night bad. I managed somehow to drag myself to work this morning despite this (and I had to walk 2 miles to get there). Then I was in agony and having to leave the floor constantly to get myself together.

Even though my attendance sucks and I'm in trouble for leaving sick too often, I just couldn't deal and left halfway through my shift. My friend/crush gave me a ride home so I wouldn't have to walk 2 more miles. We were sitting outside my house talking and I was trying to stall because I didn't want to be sick and alone. And without me even having to say it, he knew, so we went to the marina. He bought me ginger ale for my stomach and lent me his jacket when I got cold and hugged on me and generally did his best to cheer me up.

And now here I am thinking, holy shit, maybe for once my heart is fixated on the right thing. Because it would be wonderful to finally maybe find someone who would take care of me sometimes, and not always have it be about what they want.

I bought some jeans last year when I was at my lowest weight. Within a week, they were too small and they've sat at the bottom of my wardrobe with the tags still on for all this time. Today they almost fit, except for the top button.

I wondered why I was getting so much attention lately. Now it all makes sense.

The problem is that if I was a girl, we would be dating right now. But since I am not, we are stuck in some sort of limbo between friends and boyfriends. He is jealous and overprotective of me, which is cute but maddening because he has no right to it. Calling me bro or buddy does not negate the fact that moments ago we were cuddling in a parked car. There is no excuse for the way he publicly hugs me, so tight with my face pressed into his neck. Our friends already think we're together, and it's clear that they give absolutely zero fucks about us both being boys. Because nobody else is worried about it the way he is. But ultimately nobody else's judgment will change the situation, and I feel that this is all going to end in heartbreak for me.

That awkward moment when a coworker you barely know confronts you alone and asks if your friend is your boyfriend and you stammer out a few "No!"s and feel like an idiot. Because you wish he was dating you. And he's not. But the hugs are too long and you drive around aimlessly for hours talking in the car about everything and you think he's about to kiss you and he never does. I know that if it's meant to happen, it will. It's just that the waiting is eating at me.

Returning

I need this place and I don't fucking care anymore about staying away to make myself "better." I've been lurking on the fringes and watching everyone else slowly disappear and I'm not going to be that person anymore. I need to get this all out, even if I only have one follower or none or a million. (And thank you Olivia Lee, for sticking around here and saying hello, I've thought of you often.)

I've lost a lot of real life friends in the intervening months for a variety of reasons, but I've made better ones instead. I haven't told any of them about this because it's such a relief to not be stared at every time food is involved. The only one who seems suspicious about my behavior is the current Boy, but we haven't gotten anywhere near to the point where that discussion will be allowed to happen. We would have to actually be a Thing before I might consider it.

I'm 10 pounds up from where I was when everything came crashing down on me last year. It's starting to come off slowly as I restrict and get back into my gym routine. It's all a waiting game where I endlessly calculate numbers. Honestly, everything sucks so much right now that it's comforting to be picky about the numbers and let everything else go to hell. Fuck it, if I can't be happy at least I can be beautiful.